Continuation...

I was never a great conversationalist with boys. I think it was a trauma I developed when I was younger. I had this huge crush on this mestizo in our village. I was so infatuated! I was crushing on him for three years. Once day, my so-called "friends" that time exposed me to him and his friends. At first, I was hurt and disappointed with my friends, but later on, I realized that it was a blessing in disguise. It was an awakening for the truth about the wrong kind of friends that I hung out with and the truth about "the face". It turns out that pretty boy wasn't pretty on the inside after all. I saw a jerk instead. If it weren't for that day he coached us for soccerbase, I wouldn't have seen his true colors and would be blind until now.

I never considered myself as a guy magnet. With my wide hips and other chubby features, guys would be scared to be caught dead with me. But I was proven wrong when I had my first boyfriend who had the exterior features I tried to avoid ever since "the face". He was handsome. Looked young for his age. He's actually a year older. My friends told me that we look good together because we were both "baby faced". He actually awakened this appreciation in me for how I looked. He said that guys often don't admit that they prefer full bodied women than that of stick thins. Animal instincts is the logic. A male specie would likely be attracted to a female who had wider hips and full breasts because it means that she's would be perfect for child bearing. Same goes to females who are attracted to males who are broad chested that signifies the strength to protect.

But, that thought didn't stick in my philosophy any longer ever since my ex-Romeo disappeared on me. I was played. I had wondered countless times if he ever meant all the sweet things he has said to me back then. To get over this, I went through a major diet. I was a bum and restless. I had to do something while I waited for companies to call me for an interview. I jogged everyday and ate oatmeal religiously every morning for breakfast. I lost 22 lbs. before joining the magazine company that would change my life. Little did I know what was waiting for me behind the murky blue double glass doors of that office.

Anyway... Back to the point I was trying to drive at. I wasn't too keen on talking to just any guy in fear that they might get the wrong impression. Especially when the boys who I am supposed to interact with are mostly from well to do families. We call them the "conyo boys". Just the word "conyo" sent warning signals to my social radar. The word "conyo" was mysteriously popularized by "the face" a long time ago, to mean "handsome mestizo". The fact that I didn't agree with him when I was asked by some of his friends. That was the first time I got so turned off by his ignorance and arrogance, considering that he also had Spanish blood and that it was more obvious in his features than in mine. I've heard of that word a hundred times from my father whenever I would hear him curse when I was a child. "Conyo", for everyone's information, means "vagina".

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. hehe...

Anyway, the word "conyo" was ever since connected to my memory of "the face". I had to put my guard up so as not to appear naive to these guys. One December night changed that. I was having trouble with the Christmas gifts that I have to move out of the office. The only ones left in the office were a few lay out artists buried with a lot of work, and one "conyo" boy idly searching through google. He didn't seem that busy. He's only a couple of months new to the company and he seems snobbish with his composed and expressionless mestizo face. At that point I didn't care anymore since I know my mom will be furious with me for being slow to come down from the office. I cringed at the thought of my mom sneering at me. I got up all the courage and walked up to him. I cleared my throat so I wouldn't squeak. I simply asked him if he was busy. He looked at me with a puzzled look that creased some boredome. "I have a huge favor to ask you." Ok. So that was an over statement. "Can you help me carry my stuff down stairs?" I forced a mega watt sweet smile, hoping it would work. I've seen Nana do that to them and it worked. I hope it would also work with me. He simply said, "Ok." and automatically stood up. I can't believe it! It worked! And ever since that, he's been one of my good friends in the office. He's my human left-over food dispenser. Every time I couldn't finish what I ate, he would readily help me finish everything. :P

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to be continued...again...

Where The Glamorous Life Began

Since I am always the single person in my circle of friends, I've thought of other ways to look at my life in a different light. Being single, I have no commitments and I am free to do as I choose in the flirting game. Well...ok...so, I'm not really liberating myself all the time in my single life but that's only me being the hopeless romantic masochist that I am. But, I must say, that I still keep myself realistic about things around me. I'm not completely oblivious of the guys that would shower me with flattery every now and then. There are some guys who would make me blush, some are already unbelievable, and there are others who make me feel uncomfortable.

I've been writing about the inner turmoils of my heart for as long as I remember. Eventhough my love life hasn't been that colorful lately, I think it's time that I enjoy my social life (also, social flirting) on a new level.

First, let me take you in on a little background on where the turn of events all started...

I have my own version of The Devil Wears Prada. Only, my boss isn't all that bad and I'm not in the fashion business (well, on some occassions and during special circumstances, maybe). I work in a car magazine as an advertising account executive and my work revolves around the interests of men. Eversince I started working for the car magazine, my world completely changed. Including me.

I was never the fashion expert. I would only wear clothes that could hide my tummy and big hips. I hated my big butt. I lost a little weight before I started working for the car magazine and I was broke as well. That left me with my old office clothes that made me look like I'm swimming in them. I was an unhealthy sight for sore eyes. I was even surprised why my boss hired me when I looked like a disaster. My boss did comment on how I wore my hair and my clothes. I used to hide my ugly hair in a half-made bun so that my frizzy hair would tame. I won't begin how my hair has an identity crisis on its own. It's complicated. My college friend, Nana, who was also hired with me, awakened my fashion awareness sense. Until now, I am still thankful. :) She gave me a make-over.

Several baggy clothes and frizzy hairs later, I started ironing my hair every morning (which was so time consuming), putting on make-up, and choosing my clothes carefully. I even grew an interest in the make-up department wherein I would experiment on mixing different colors for eyeshadows. I was dressed to kill. But, it was all that. I learned that there was another thing missing which I learned from my boss and other people's observation. I appeared to be just a pretty face and nothing else. That was because I was too scared to come out of my shell. That was the time my boss gave me a personality make-over. I always got the confidence boost in all the pep talks that she has given me everytime we would have a performance appraisal. That started me to come out of my shell little by little.

That's where the new journey began.

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More about that on my next entry. Keep on reading!

Mongray

Monday...hmph...It's still gray and cloudy outside. It rained hard last night which made me sleep in this morning. It's a good thing it's a non-working holiday today. Didn't feel like going out so I stayed behind, alone at home with my thoughts.

This kind of weather gives me different kinds of feelings. It makes me gloomy because I can't see the sun shine. Sometimes, when I look outside the window long enough just studying the movements of the gray clouds, I could feel a sense of nostalgia over the many rainy days that passed me by as I was growing up. The way I used to feel about rainy days when I was still a school girl, wondering if school will be suspended or not. Sometimes, I wouldn't mind because there so much mystery in the clouds that makes the surroundings seem dreamy and makes me feel adventurous. I don't mind getting wet in the rain because there are days when you just need to feel something real from the heavens to touch your skin.

Gray Skies

The color of the skies haven't changed since July. Gray and unpredictable. I almost believed that it had a lot to do with my mood. I just let the days drag me on, making me exhaust all reasons to go on with my life. I find myself thinking every dull morning of why I should continue with the daily routine of my everyday life. I have lost inspiration in everything I do. I keep on telling myself that I don't need romance to keep me sane. But, as hard as I try, it gets complicated every day. I tried burying myself with work until I got tired and burned out. Laughed at myself and everything until my chest would get numb from the reality that I'm trying to deny. What else should I do? Would it change anything if I did something with it? Besides, since that night that he forgot about me, I think I pretty much got my answer to the one question lingering in my mind for many years.

Just the other day, I came home looking for my kittens only to find out that they were all kitnapped. I felt a wave of sadness. They were one of the simple things that made me smile every time I wake up to another gray skied morning and come home to from a tiring day. And one of the kittens was a promise I gave to him. I cursed myself silently as I locked myself in my room depressed. I should've listened to my intuition days before that I should've told him to come pick up the kitten. My pain and confusion clouded my judgement over my intuition. I guess we don't have any reason to see each other anymore.

I found the book that I've been looking for. It is a really interesting book. The story of the two main characters weren't really comparable to the story of the real people with those names. What did remind me strongly of him was how the character could recognize the girl's scent when the wind would blow. I looked wistfully outside my window to the gray skies remembering something that had happened what seemed like a long long time ago.

In my job, I get to meet a lot of guys. After all, I am working for a men's magazine. I've met a lot of guys. Some of them would show interest or shower me with flattery and others that I've become good friends with. I would usually fall for a really nice guy. I tried envisioning myself with a few of them that were really great but I could never picture myself with anyone of them the way I saw myself with him. I wished I had the courage to tell him that when he began to peculiarly express his jealousy about me being exposed to a lot of guys at work with the possibility of meeting someone interesting. Now, I could never be sure if he was really serious about that. I tried to forget him by paying attention to other guys just realizing that I could never get the same feeling I had when I'm with him. I just couldn't get him off my mind that easily. I keep telling myself that he's just not that into me and learn to face it.

As masochistic as it seems, I've told God in my prayers that if we're not meant for each other, I hope He gives him someone who would give him the kind of love that he's looking for. With my messed up life and the path that I'm taking, I don't think I could let him be with me. He has such a promising future and a lot of love in him that I wouldn't want him to waste it with me.

Sting

I decided to stay home today and rest. I feel like I'm near to getting myself burned out with work. I found myself asking this question, "Is this all that there is in my life?" I got what I wanted - in my career, that is. A self-fulfilling promise that I made to myself and to my deceased father, that I would take care of my mom and my younger brother, the most vulnerable of the family since he passed away. But, something is still missing. Pessimistically speaking, I don't think "he" will be able to fill that void anymore. Too much time has passed and too many things left unsaid. But, then again, I begin wondering to myself if I'll ever find anyone who could make me feel that way ever again. They say "lust" is something that is hard to resist. I say, it only depends if one has ever experienced that kind of feeling of pure bliss in falling deeply in love. If you have, "lust" just comes in like a spike in your coke. Thirst quenching yet it gives you a certain high.

I'm tired of being with the wrong guy or wasting my time with Mr. Maybe. I've met so many guys in my job. A lot of them would show a little promise but I can never imagine myself growing old with them or getting the same feeling I had with... No, I have to get over him.

It rained the whole day. I read a book most of the day that I spent in bed. I was reading the book I was talking about on my last entry. I thought it would make me numb at seeing our names together, over and over. I must say, the plot of the story is really good. Some parts of the book triggered an ironic sense. But, again, I'm not saying that the whole story can be compared to the reality I live in now. It's entirely different. We never got too far from our friendship. From what I have noticed and observed lately, he might just be playing really friendly to me. I must've misinterpreted his intentions. What a big fool I was, right? I should've seen it coming. I've been thinking if it was possible for guys to act too friendly without any special intentions behind their peculiar behavior. I know, I analyze things too much.

My best guess right now is that maybe he took interest with someone else that's why he's been distant lately. It's always like that. I've learned too much from dating two sinfully flirtatious guys. They show interest, then when they get tired and found someone else, they'll just leave you cold. I'm afraid that the next time that I do fall for someone, I might be the first one to bolt out. Though I have been taking this pain cooly inside, this is what stings the most.

I'm In Love With A Vampire

I finished two books in one week end! How about that? Now what do I do? I guess it's another trip to Power Books after work :D I just finished reading Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman and Simply Sexy by Janice Lee (did I get the name of the author right?)

I've been reading a lot of books lately. I'm still waiting for Rose to lend me the fourth book of Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth series. I got bored with the third book, but a friend of mine, a Terry Goodkind fanatic, promised me that the fourth book is better. He better be right...

I have been obsessing on looking for good books to read. I guess all the frustrations of not affording to buy one has gotten to me. Now that I can afford to buy one every pay check is a big deal for me. It's something that gives me reason for so many things that I want to escape. Idleness of the mind, and burying a broken heart to my farthest of memories, hoping that the memories of the stories in the book would replace the memories that I wanted to erase or put in the past.

Until there came a book that caught my attention...

Zennia was telling me about it this afternoon at work. She borrowed this book from her friend. I never heard Zennia talk so emotionally about a book. She told me that she finished it in one sitting coz she couldn't put it down. She said she cried about it because the story was so touching. This was the plot: A new girl transferred to a small town and meets this gorgeous guy in high school and they fall in love. But the problem is, their love is forbidden. Why? Because prince charming is a vampire. He tries so hard to avoid her coz the scent of her blood is so tempting that he wants to get away with their family's diet of drinking animal's blood rather than humans'. In the end, they do end up together but as their relationship progresses so does the plot thickens. I found the story very intriguing. Until she told me the name of the two main characters. And I thought, how ironic...

For those who know me very well, I guess you already know what names I'm talking about.

It's also weird that somehow, in its twisted way, the nature of their psychological reaction to their situation mirrors what I am thinking and feeling about this whole confusing friendship. Except that, we didn't go to a deeper level in our relationship.

Just when I was making progress with drifting away from him, this comes up. Now that I am thinking about my situation, I am left wondering if I'll ever feel the same way for another guy. In my work, I get to meet a lot of people. He once asked me if I have met anyone that has caught my interest. I simply told him, "No." He knows very well that the nature of my work means I get to be exposed to a lot of guys since I'm working for a car magazine. Which also means that my work revolves in MEN'S WORLD. He kidded by saying that he's jealous. Of course, I am lost in translation again. He couldn't mean that he's making hints, is he? I could never tell if he's serious about things he would say because whatever he would say, sometimes, it would seem that he has forgotten whatever he had said afterwards. So, I didn't assume. Instead of cornering him, I kidded back by saying I will never replace him. (But, deep inside, I meant what I said.)

After what has been said, what has never been done, and lost translations, I feel like we're miles apart. Nobody knows if this thing will ever be resolved. It's an invisible struggle of some sort and I feel that I will carry this mystery with me until the day I die.

July 31 to August 4, 2006

Getting promoted as Senior Account Executive made me feel all the more pressured by the weight of responsibility it comes along with. I have to be more vigilant than before. I keep telling myself not to panic. Besides, it's just what I needed to distract myself from dwelling in thoughts about him. Aside from obsessively looking for books to read at home when I don't have anything to do.

I am moving on with my life concentrating on my work, trying my best to hit my targets because behind all these, I have a family to support and a boy to forget. It did pass my mind that I might get tied up and end up being an old maid like most of my aunts. It's one of the things that leaves a nagging worry at the back of my mind. Especially when I'm in the marrying age already. This 25th year of my life proved that everything that I have aspired for wouldn't come true. A new music gig with a new band didn't work out, things got cold and void with me and this guy friend I thought (for years) would be the One, thus, ending up single and unmarried at 25.

On one rainy morning, on my way to work, I was stuck in traffic in the middle of Sky Way, which I wasn't very happy about because I have issues being in the middle of a bridge. I'm afraid of heights. I freak out silently in my head everytime I would feel the bridge beneath us would slowly rock everytime cars would pass by the opposite side. I'm afraid that with these many cars on the bridge, the structure won't be able to handle it. Especially when there are BIG buses on it. "What if it suddenly break?" I thought in my paranoid state. I tried to concentrate on the music on my iPod and think of things that I have to do at work to keep me distracted. I heard the driver announce that the high way under the bridge is already flooded. Which explains the traffic on the Sky Way. Everybody had been avoiding the flood. And, also, we don't really have any alternatives but to stay on the freaking Sky Way!

Then a thought suddenly struck me that made my eyes go wide. He's probably on his way to work through the high way! What if he's stuck in the flood? He and everyone else I know who's north bound to work or school. Wait a minute... I shouldn't be thinking about him when I am making progress at moving on. I reasessed myself and weighed things in my head. Then visions of him getting stuck in the flood kept dreeping in my mind. I decided to warn friends about the traffic situation so it won't seem that he's the only one I texted. I wasn't expecting him to respond but he did. But we only exchanged brief messages for a short while. That was the only interaction we've had that week. The only one we've done in a long time.

Wednesday, I gave in to an invitation from a friend to have dinner with her and this guy she's been building up on me. I guess one dinner won't hurt. And I don't think there's any promise. It turned out ok, though I ended feeling more like the third wheel. I must admit that they could hit it off pretty well together.

Thursday was a bad day. I don't wanna go into details because I don't really expose sensitive family matters on line. It made me finally decide what I should've done a long time ago.

Friday night, I had two events to go to - HP and Johnnie Walker. It's another one of those "glamorous" nights as my friends would call it. Sometimes I enjoy them, sometimes I don't. Especially when you know that you don't have a ride home. I felt a longing creep up my chest but I pushed it away before it could win me over. If I was going to start living on my own, I should learn how to take care of myself and be tough on my own. I can't be all weak and needy for a guy. Zen and her friend Gabby dropped me off at Makati where it would be easier for me to hail a cab going home. Since the traffic has thinned out at 11pm, there was hardly any taxi that passed by. There were only buses that are headed up north and it looks like most of the people that were with me at the bus stop were headed there. As people thinned out at Ayala, I decided to walk to Park Square and pray that there would still be a shuttle van going to Sucat. As I tried my best to walk despite my sore feet, someone walked beside me and was asking me something that sounded like he was lost. Tired as hell, I looked at him questioningly with one brow raised. I said "What?" but it didn't come out well given my mood that night. Then he mumbled something that sounded like, "Nahihiya kasi ako e..." as he scratched behind his ear. I only said, "Huh?" Then he blurted, 'Pwede bang makipagkilala?" My eyes went wide in surprise and told him "No thank you," in a hurried way. I walked (or rather limped) as fast as my sore soles would permit me looking sideways to check if anyone was following. As soon as I reached the well lit and alive atmosphere of Gloria Jean's and Tower Records along Glorietta, I sighed in relief. I walked carefully down the road going to Park Square. I felt that longing creep up again and this time it was a sharp pang in the core of my heart. I found myself wishing he was there to pick me up and bring me home like he did a couple of times. Vulnerability. I pushed the feeling aside as hard as I could before it devours me completely.

There were days when he would be warm as a summer day and there were times when he's so distant and cold. The warm days seems so far away now. I'm all the more getting numb with this kind of friendship but all the more clear as to what I mean to him.

I've been trying to move in a different direction ever since he became distant. I don't wanna wait for that time again when he would be warm as summer only to feel drifting away afterwards. I don't want to be just one of the girls that he's close to. I feel like a mean-time girld. I don't want that.

Maybe we are not really meant to be. We're opposite of each other. He's clean-cut and serious while I'm jagged at the edges and wild. I live a messed up life while he has a perfect family. He has a really good future ahead of him while I'm destined to become a mediocre failure.