Pain in the Pocket

I'm still here in the office as I'm writing this. I'm just killing time while waiting for my friend, Nana, to come back to the office. We're supposed to go shopping for our event tomorrow. We're having the EVO Essentials Event tomorrow and we still don't have anything to wear! Once again, we're faced with the dilemma of budgeting our money for occassions like this. For those who don't know what EVO is, it's a UK magazine and it's considered as the "bible" of every car enthusiast around the world. We're the first in Asia to have a franchise of this magazine. Other countries that hold a franchise are Greece, Italy, and France.

Anyway, I was planning on wearing my favorite silk pink blouse that I bought a couple of years ago. The problem is, it has grown loose on me because I lost weight. ;p I wouldn't want to wear just anything because it's an intimate and a very high-end event. "We have to look presentable..." as my boss would say. I took a peek at the stores I passed by on the way to my client's office. I looked at the price and did some calculations in my head. I wanted to cry... I found myself once again in a depressing monetary situation. I'm still thinking of ways wherein I wouldn't be spending that much.

Sunday

It's another Sunday afternoon..
The world seems so quiet and lonesome
No expected visitors,
Only a veil of hope
To dream is sweet,
A name softly spoken...

As the night approaches the sky
I am left empty handed
I have nothing but a lingering heart...
A yearning soul
No memory to hold on to
Only stolen moments of the past foretold
Treasure chest full of sweet memories

In the middle of a very long journey

I have been trying my best to control my nerves from breaking down from all the stress that I've been having from life lately. There are a lot of pressures and other problems that I've been facing and I'm trying to bury these negative thoughts deep in the dark corners of my soul.

Every morning, I wake up with a heavy weight on my shoulders and it pulls me down to the bed. I have to get up and face the world to the eye, I said to myself. Looking at myself in the mirror as I prepare myself to get my ass out to work, there are a lot of questions lingering in my mind. The question that keeps popping up in my mind is: Where am I going with this? I feel like the character in The Alchemist. Lost in my own destiny. I'm still in the middle of the desert in search of the treasure and still dreams of the unrequited love that is never forgotten.

I have been focused lately on the world outside the real world I used to live in. To keep me from losing my reality, I try to marry the two worlds I live in. I realized that when these two worlds incorporate with each other, you can't tell anymore what is real and what is not. I search deep within my soul and high up into the heavens for answers. The answers I get is in the omens that come my way. It depends on how you understand it and how you react to it.

One thing I learned about how people would see me is that it's sometimes hard to understand how my mind flows with my emotions. It's hard to explain a complicated thought. What do I do? Silence. Things will only get more tricky to understand if they make me start. With all the craziness happening in the world we move in, it's enough for each of us to deal with that abnormality in our lives.

What I've been longing for these days is a loving sight for sore eyes...

Confused Heart

Love. Fear. It goes hand in hand with the emotions you go through when you found someone that really captured your heart in a special way. It's unlike the feeling that you had with the other guys or girls that you've been with. Sure, the others were ok. But, there's this one particular person that you couldn't forget because you saw the magic that you were looking for in his/her eyes when you're together. It was perfect. You begin to feel comfortable together that you can be yourself with this person. Friendship deepens and so is the emotions inside your heart. The scenario after could be that feelings are hidden from each other or that feelings are revealed to each other. The nature of the friendship is too perfect that it scares you to death to the thought of losing it. Complicated isn't it?

It's hard to define a friendship that has a touch of unlikely sweetness in a "platonic" friendship. Being the girl that I am, I get confused. I keep asking myself, "What's the real deal with this whole thing?" I keep analyzing and finding meaning to all of this because it's all confusing. But, then again, with all this twisted messages and complicated situations, maybe some things are better left unsaid.

24

I just celebrated my birthday last Friday. The truth is, I didn't feel it. The day went by so fast that I even forgot to celebrate. I spent the day at work, rushing things and withstanding a lot of pressure. My mind wasn't present in that special day. 95% of my consciuosness was focused on my work. The other 5% was thanking friends and family for greeting me and ordering pizza for the office. I left the office for a meeting and forgot to tell everyone that the pizza was there already and to start without me. When I went home, I was supposed to buy another box of pizza for my family. I went to different ATM machines to get some cash but to no luck, the darn Unionbank connection is down. I thought, "Well, I guess I can't celebrate my birthday tonight..." I felt exhausted I just went to sleep early.

The next day, Saturday, was sort of like an extension of my birthday. I woke up with a heavy feeling in my chest from the stressful day I had from yesterday, but I tried my best to think positive. At least God still kept me alive. I spent the whole day watching CSI re-runs and surfing the net. I attempted to withdraw money again at the nearby ATM machine in hopes that I might be able to buy pizza for my family. Luckily, the Unionbank lines were back to normal and I was able to withdraw money. Whew!

There were things that I learned and discovered about people and my life that Saturday night. I was viewing everything like it was a movie. I can't find the words to express what I feel about one thing though, but I know that there are a lot more that I should know to arrive to that moment when everything will fall into place.

Eventhough my birthday didn't go the way I expected, I just think of the moments when the people close to me remembered me on that special day. Whenever I remember them, my birthday seemed happier and memorable.

Changes and the thing with being honest...

Things have not been going my way lately. A lot of things have changed too. And I also expect more changes to come in the next weeks. I have learned A LOT of things for the past weeks that I have been beating myself up with so many activities. I have to stop myself and step back for a moment to see everything in one big picture. It's been a rough time for me for the past few weeks. I have learned that no matter what big booboo happens at work, you have to keep working at your best. You have to stay strong and continue with what you are tasked to do. There will always be an obstacle in everything you do. It's just a matter on how you deal with it. It's either you sink or you swim.

There are so many things that are on my mind lately. Too much that sometimes I tend to get lost with all these emotions and realizations that have been flashing before my eyes. There are other matters that make you feel confused too. When I let negative things bug me, I tend to falter unconsciously. It's tiring to think about it and it makes you feel exhausted going through everyday life. But, like others would say, the greatest battle is within the self. You have to learn to fight your own demons. I'm learning to see realizations as factors to keep me grounded. I'm still prone to making mistakes but I see to it that I learn from them.

Things have been really tough and I tend to feel down when depression over powers my optimism. I am inspired by my Cousin Louie who underwent a major operation on the side of his face leaving half of his face paralyzed. Though he may have lost a part of his ear and some of the feelings he has on his face, he was still the same cheerful guy he is. He doesn't let that affect his positive attitude and I admire him for that. Somehow it gives me inspiration to pick myself up when I'm down and not dwell on the negative things that may eat up my spirit.

Eventhough times have been rough lately, God never fails to make me feel that He's just around. I see Him in different people that I meet everyday. :)