Maybe...

This is maybe the perfect song that would describe what I would like to say to him at this point in time of our so-called platonic(?) friendship. I do realize the fact that I might be somewhat a cause of this drift. My life is more complicated compared to his. I don't really expect him to carry this burden with me. All I want and need is his constant presence. Just him being there makes the whole world seem a better place.

I was never the girl who would ask for too much. I was never the type who would demand to be treated like a princess. Maybe it's because I wasn't treated well by all the guys I knew. Well, except for my father. But, I lost him when I was just about to be exposed to the meet-and-greet guys part of my life and dating. But, whenever I was with him, he gave so much and he treated me like a princess. He was the very first guy who ever treated me like a lady.

Now that we're both older, a lot of experiences have shaped us into what we are today. There are times when we drift apart and times when we're not on the same page in our lives. I maybe left behind on some things sometimes and he would be ahead and sometimes he would be the one who's left behind and I would be the one ahead.

Looking back to how he was the past couple of years, I missed how he would make me float whenever he would be peculiar and sweet. I just don't know what happened to him. Sometimes I want to open up what I am feeling right now but I know it will just make things more confusing between us. Maybe it's not the right time to say these things.

The last time we ever had a long chat was in Yahoo! Messenger at around 4am last Saturday. We made plans on going back-packing next year. Maybe then we could really catch up on things. There are a lot of things we never really talked about. I hope that this will be a time for us to start anew with our friendship. Platonic or romatic. All I want is to spend time with him.


MAYBE
Kelly Clarkson

I'm strong
But I break
I'm stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard
And life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

Someday
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
And I promise I'll try
Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

One day
We'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely
Every little bit
Oh yeah maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then

I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

I should know better than to touch the fire twice
But I'm thinking maybe, yeah maybe you might

Maybe, love maybe

Sober

I had this strangest feeling that I would bump into him that night. I pushed the thought aside but I still opened my cellphone and there it was - our picture four months ago. I've saved it as a wallpaper despite the fact that I'm supposed to be doing my best at living my life in a different direction. The memories just wouldn't stop giving me flash backs in my head. I admit that deep down, I still miss him. I miss the old friend who used to frequently update on me. The old friend who used to look for me now and then even if it was twice or thrice a month. Now, I can only feel this void in my life where he used to be. The old friend who used to tell me how much he missed me while he gathers me in a tight hug. Even if he only sees me as a close friend, I can only content myself because what was important was his constant presence in my life.

I know that I may not be the one to make him happy. I always told myself that if letting him go is the only way that I could make him happy, I would sacrifice just to make that happen. If only he knows everything that's been going on within me. I have been yearning for his hugs. But I have to be brave and learn to be whole on my own.

I locked the keys on my cellphone and turned my attention to the traffic ahead. I tried to divert my thoughts to my work and my goal of losing weight. The goal of losing weight is to stealth myself from him. If I can't move to another country, then I would have to make myself unrecognizable.

We saw each other at the drop off near our village. I felt my knees go weak. A clear sign of what I still feel in my heart. I tried to compose myself. He caught me in a half hug. Something that made me a little sad. It was like it was also half-hearted. When he got my gym bag, it was something that was so natural between us. We walked together to the tricycle station but I still feel like he's so far away. We sat sardined in the cabby but it felt like he's not there. I wanted to ask him if there's anyone special in his life right now, but I was too much of a coward to go there. But the absence in his eyes, I can only tell that maybe...there is someone else in his mind. I never really knew what goes on his head. He's always capable of sending mixed signals that only leads me nowhere.

I can only hope that whatever's going on with him, that he wouldn't forget about our times together.