Summer Begins

The heat of the summer sun has started to burn the streets of Manila. Things at work hasn't slowed down yet and problems at home is worsening each day. I wish I could just take a trip somewhere where it's far away from the city. A trip to the beach sounds like a heavenly escape...

The Pain of the Void

The days drag on and I feel like the burdens I carry are getting heavier each day. It's like each day is a step closer to my death. I feel like something's missing in me. I can feel the void within my heart all the more each time I remember and everytime I try to take away my love for him. With all the stress that I'm facing everyday, I wish I could escape to a far away place and clear my mind from all this chaos. A trip to Boracay or a journey alone in Cebu sounds tempting. Maybe if I disappeared for a while maybe I'll be able to erase all the feelings that I had for him. Then when we get to see each other again, then I'll be free of hiding something from him. I'll just be a friend that has no romantic expectations. Purely platonic.

Tragedies and distresses has passed by me lately and many times it could have been my last breath. I am still in wonder what my real purpose is in my life. When I realized that the one thing that kept me believing that my life has to go on because of its purpose was lost to the blackness of all its mystery, I felt that I have approached a dead end. All that was left were those moments wherein I almost thought that he felt the same way too. I was wrong. So wrong...

Sigh...I don't know what to do anymore... I just wish I knew what is on his mind. I keep separating my feelings with being a friend. Sometimes, I don't know where to draw the line in our friendship. It's all confusing...

I wish it was easy to stay away from him but he's one of the best friends I have ever had...

Anyway, this is one song that describes how my emotions are flowing right now...

"Beautiful"
India Arie

The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shining
And I want to live inside the glow
Yeah I wanna go to place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna got to a place time as no consequence oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand that it's not that I don't care
But right know these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Numb

He reached for my hand and held it as he drove us to work. I couldn't feel anything...I wanted to cry... It's been a long time since we last saw each other. The electricity that I used to feel everytime he would hold my hand had died down. I couldn't feel even his presence. He seems like he's in a distant planet. I don't know what's going on in his mind. Was I just being dense? Was it the early morning? Or did I just die that moment? He seemed a bit different now. I couldn't feel him in my heart even through the touch of his hand. I kissed him goodbye eventhough he didn't greet me with a kiss when he picked me up at my house like he used to do. I appreciated him for a being a really great friend for going out of his way to bring me to work early in the morning.

That was a month ago... Nowadays, we haven't been talking that much. I guess because we were both busy. As usual, I went home alone and bought flowers for my mom last Valentines Day. I tried not to think about it and contain my heart with this kind of situation. I told myself not to expect anything special that day just to make the pain easier to bear inside my heart. But, as the day passed, it already said a lot of things about what he really feels. Silence means there's nothing about me inside his heart. I felt like a fool not realizing it after being in love with him for so many years. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't tell him or it would've made things complicated and awkward in our friendship. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way. Maybe I have mis-interpreted his actions. I don't know... I wish he never did anything to make me fall in love with him.

I've always dreamed that he would see me differently but he only saw me as a friend. I guess this is the last time I'll ever say, "I'm moving on without him..."

And before I end this long saga about our friendship and all the mystery behind it, I leave it all with the song that I've been wanting to sing to him if fate decides that we would be together:


Make Me Whole (Amel Larrieux)

Darling I want you to listen
I stayed up all night,
so I could get this thing right
And I don't think there's anything missing
Cause a person like you,
made it easy to do
I've waited for so long,
to sing to you this song

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

I think the angels are your brothers
They told you about me,
said you're just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
It's that I was born to love you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

You make my dreams
Come true over and, over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I live my whole life through
To giving thanks to you
Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole