July 31 to August 4, 2006
Getting promoted as Senior Account Executive made me feel all the more pressured by the weight of responsibility it comes along with. I have to be more vigilant than before. I keep telling myself not to panic. Besides, it's just what I needed to distract myself from dwelling in thoughts about him. Aside from obsessively looking for books to read at home when I don't have anything to do.
I am moving on with my life concentrating on my work, trying my best to hit my targets because behind all these, I have a family to support and a boy to forget. It did pass my mind that I might get tied up and end up being an old maid like most of my aunts. It's one of the things that leaves a nagging worry at the back of my mind. Especially when I'm in the marrying age already. This 25th year of my life proved that everything that I have aspired for wouldn't come true. A new music gig with a new band didn't work out, things got cold and void with me and this guy friend I thought (for years) would be the One, thus, ending up single and unmarried at 25.
On one rainy morning, on my way to work, I was stuck in traffic in the middle of Sky Way, which I wasn't very happy about because I have issues being in the middle of a bridge. I'm afraid of heights. I freak out silently in my head everytime I would feel the bridge beneath us would slowly rock everytime cars would pass by the opposite side. I'm afraid that with these many cars on the bridge, the structure won't be able to handle it. Especially when there are BIG buses on it. "What if it suddenly break?" I thought in my paranoid state. I tried to concentrate on the music on my iPod and think of things that I have to do at work to keep me distracted. I heard the driver announce that the high way under the bridge is already flooded. Which explains the traffic on the Sky Way. Everybody had been avoiding the flood. And, also, we don't really have any alternatives but to stay on the freaking Sky Way!
Then a thought suddenly struck me that made my eyes go wide. He's probably on his way to work through the high way! What if he's stuck in the flood? He and everyone else I know who's north bound to work or school. Wait a minute... I shouldn't be thinking about him when I am making progress at moving on. I reasessed myself and weighed things in my head. Then visions of him getting stuck in the flood kept dreeping in my mind. I decided to warn friends about the traffic situation so it won't seem that he's the only one I texted. I wasn't expecting him to respond but he did. But we only exchanged brief messages for a short while. That was the only interaction we've had that week. The only one we've done in a long time.
Wednesday, I gave in to an invitation from a friend to have dinner with her and this guy she's been building up on me. I guess one dinner won't hurt. And I don't think there's any promise. It turned out ok, though I ended feeling more like the third wheel. I must admit that they could hit it off pretty well together.
Thursday was a bad day. I don't wanna go into details because I don't really expose sensitive family matters on line. It made me finally decide what I should've done a long time ago.
Friday night, I had two events to go to - HP and Johnnie Walker. It's another one of those "glamorous" nights as my friends would call it. Sometimes I enjoy them, sometimes I don't. Especially when you know that you don't have a ride home. I felt a longing creep up my chest but I pushed it away before it could win me over. If I was going to start living on my own, I should learn how to take care of myself and be tough on my own. I can't be all weak and needy for a guy. Zen and her friend Gabby dropped me off at Makati where it would be easier for me to hail a cab going home. Since the traffic has thinned out at 11pm, there was hardly any taxi that passed by. There were only buses that are headed up north and it looks like most of the people that were with me at the bus stop were headed there. As people thinned out at Ayala, I decided to walk to Park Square and pray that there would still be a shuttle van going to Sucat. As I tried my best to walk despite my sore feet, someone walked beside me and was asking me something that sounded like he was lost. Tired as hell, I looked at him questioningly with one brow raised. I said "What?" but it didn't come out well given my mood that night. Then he mumbled something that sounded like, "Nahihiya kasi ako e..." as he scratched behind his ear. I only said, "Huh?" Then he blurted, 'Pwede bang makipagkilala?" My eyes went wide in surprise and told him "No thank you," in a hurried way. I walked (or rather limped) as fast as my sore soles would permit me looking sideways to check if anyone was following. As soon as I reached the well lit and alive atmosphere of Gloria Jean's and Tower Records along Glorietta, I sighed in relief. I walked carefully down the road going to Park Square. I felt that longing creep up again and this time it was a sharp pang in the core of my heart. I found myself wishing he was there to pick me up and bring me home like he did a couple of times. Vulnerability. I pushed the feeling aside as hard as I could before it devours me completely.
There were days when he would be warm as a summer day and there were times when he's so distant and cold. The warm days seems so far away now. I'm all the more getting numb with this kind of friendship but all the more clear as to what I mean to him.
I've been trying to move in a different direction ever since he became distant. I don't wanna wait for that time again when he would be warm as summer only to feel drifting away afterwards. I don't want to be just one of the girls that he's close to. I feel like a mean-time girld. I don't want that.
Maybe we are not really meant to be. We're opposite of each other. He's clean-cut and serious while I'm jagged at the edges and wild. I live a messed up life while he has a perfect family. He has a really good future ahead of him while I'm destined to become a mediocre failure.
I am moving on with my life concentrating on my work, trying my best to hit my targets because behind all these, I have a family to support and a boy to forget. It did pass my mind that I might get tied up and end up being an old maid like most of my aunts. It's one of the things that leaves a nagging worry at the back of my mind. Especially when I'm in the marrying age already. This 25th year of my life proved that everything that I have aspired for wouldn't come true. A new music gig with a new band didn't work out, things got cold and void with me and this guy friend I thought (for years) would be the One, thus, ending up single and unmarried at 25.
On one rainy morning, on my way to work, I was stuck in traffic in the middle of Sky Way, which I wasn't very happy about because I have issues being in the middle of a bridge. I'm afraid of heights. I freak out silently in my head everytime I would feel the bridge beneath us would slowly rock everytime cars would pass by the opposite side. I'm afraid that with these many cars on the bridge, the structure won't be able to handle it. Especially when there are BIG buses on it. "What if it suddenly break?" I thought in my paranoid state. I tried to concentrate on the music on my iPod and think of things that I have to do at work to keep me distracted. I heard the driver announce that the high way under the bridge is already flooded. Which explains the traffic on the Sky Way. Everybody had been avoiding the flood. And, also, we don't really have any alternatives but to stay on the freaking Sky Way!
Then a thought suddenly struck me that made my eyes go wide. He's probably on his way to work through the high way! What if he's stuck in the flood? He and everyone else I know who's north bound to work or school. Wait a minute... I shouldn't be thinking about him when I am making progress at moving on. I reasessed myself and weighed things in my head. Then visions of him getting stuck in the flood kept dreeping in my mind. I decided to warn friends about the traffic situation so it won't seem that he's the only one I texted. I wasn't expecting him to respond but he did. But we only exchanged brief messages for a short while. That was the only interaction we've had that week. The only one we've done in a long time.
Wednesday, I gave in to an invitation from a friend to have dinner with her and this guy she's been building up on me. I guess one dinner won't hurt. And I don't think there's any promise. It turned out ok, though I ended feeling more like the third wheel. I must admit that they could hit it off pretty well together.
Thursday was a bad day. I don't wanna go into details because I don't really expose sensitive family matters on line. It made me finally decide what I should've done a long time ago.
Friday night, I had two events to go to - HP and Johnnie Walker. It's another one of those "glamorous" nights as my friends would call it. Sometimes I enjoy them, sometimes I don't. Especially when you know that you don't have a ride home. I felt a longing creep up my chest but I pushed it away before it could win me over. If I was going to start living on my own, I should learn how to take care of myself and be tough on my own. I can't be all weak and needy for a guy. Zen and her friend Gabby dropped me off at Makati where it would be easier for me to hail a cab going home. Since the traffic has thinned out at 11pm, there was hardly any taxi that passed by. There were only buses that are headed up north and it looks like most of the people that were with me at the bus stop were headed there. As people thinned out at Ayala, I decided to walk to Park Square and pray that there would still be a shuttle van going to Sucat. As I tried my best to walk despite my sore feet, someone walked beside me and was asking me something that sounded like he was lost. Tired as hell, I looked at him questioningly with one brow raised. I said "What?" but it didn't come out well given my mood that night. Then he mumbled something that sounded like, "Nahihiya kasi ako e..." as he scratched behind his ear. I only said, "Huh?" Then he blurted, 'Pwede bang makipagkilala?" My eyes went wide in surprise and told him "No thank you," in a hurried way. I walked (or rather limped) as fast as my sore soles would permit me looking sideways to check if anyone was following. As soon as I reached the well lit and alive atmosphere of Gloria Jean's and Tower Records along Glorietta, I sighed in relief. I walked carefully down the road going to Park Square. I felt that longing creep up again and this time it was a sharp pang in the core of my heart. I found myself wishing he was there to pick me up and bring me home like he did a couple of times. Vulnerability. I pushed the feeling aside as hard as I could before it devours me completely.
There were days when he would be warm as a summer day and there were times when he's so distant and cold. The warm days seems so far away now. I'm all the more getting numb with this kind of friendship but all the more clear as to what I mean to him.
I've been trying to move in a different direction ever since he became distant. I don't wanna wait for that time again when he would be warm as summer only to feel drifting away afterwards. I don't want to be just one of the girls that he's close to. I feel like a mean-time girld. I don't want that.
Maybe we are not really meant to be. We're opposite of each other. He's clean-cut and serious while I'm jagged at the edges and wild. I live a messed up life while he has a perfect family. He has a really good future ahead of him while I'm destined to become a mediocre failure.
posted by Summer at
2:54 AM
2 Comments:
you got promoted??? nice! congrats! :)
By
crxxxx, at 3:26 AM
opo :) tnx :) i still feel like something's missing parin...this is what happens when i bury myself with work to forget about something. di ko talaga ramdam ang promotion ko.
thanx for dropping a comment! :D
By
Summer, at 7:35 AM
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