Sting

I decided to stay home today and rest. I feel like I'm near to getting myself burned out with work. I found myself asking this question, "Is this all that there is in my life?" I got what I wanted - in my career, that is. A self-fulfilling promise that I made to myself and to my deceased father, that I would take care of my mom and my younger brother, the most vulnerable of the family since he passed away. But, something is still missing. Pessimistically speaking, I don't think "he" will be able to fill that void anymore. Too much time has passed and too many things left unsaid. But, then again, I begin wondering to myself if I'll ever find anyone who could make me feel that way ever again. They say "lust" is something that is hard to resist. I say, it only depends if one has ever experienced that kind of feeling of pure bliss in falling deeply in love. If you have, "lust" just comes in like a spike in your coke. Thirst quenching yet it gives you a certain high.

I'm tired of being with the wrong guy or wasting my time with Mr. Maybe. I've met so many guys in my job. A lot of them would show a little promise but I can never imagine myself growing old with them or getting the same feeling I had with... No, I have to get over him.

It rained the whole day. I read a book most of the day that I spent in bed. I was reading the book I was talking about on my last entry. I thought it would make me numb at seeing our names together, over and over. I must say, the plot of the story is really good. Some parts of the book triggered an ironic sense. But, again, I'm not saying that the whole story can be compared to the reality I live in now. It's entirely different. We never got too far from our friendship. From what I have noticed and observed lately, he might just be playing really friendly to me. I must've misinterpreted his intentions. What a big fool I was, right? I should've seen it coming. I've been thinking if it was possible for guys to act too friendly without any special intentions behind their peculiar behavior. I know, I analyze things too much.

My best guess right now is that maybe he took interest with someone else that's why he's been distant lately. It's always like that. I've learned too much from dating two sinfully flirtatious guys. They show interest, then when they get tired and found someone else, they'll just leave you cold. I'm afraid that the next time that I do fall for someone, I might be the first one to bolt out. Though I have been taking this pain cooly inside, this is what stings the most.