The Pains of Being Human

Sometimes it's hard to please everyone that you know. Misunderstandings and painful realizations beat down your throat. Suddenly, you get punched in the face without you knowing it. You suddenly realize that you did something wrong when a friend opened up about it. I'm thankful though that the person was honest about it and was vocal about it. I appreciate it somehow. No matter how hard you try to make them understand it won't be easy for them to see your side of the story because they're hurting inside. All you can do is be the one to understand their situation and let them be. It's the least that you can do to a friend.

So, to you, my friend. My deepest apology to whatever misunderstandings that led to a disappointment in our friendship.

A Solemn Christmas

After Christmas dinner and opening of gifts, I sat alone in my room reflecting once again about the things that has happened lately in my life. All the bumpy roads I've stumbled upon has made me look at life into a whole new perspective. And, I know that it has drastically changed my life forever. There are alot of emotions going on inside my chest that I couldn't express. I was telling my friend that I find it hard to express my inner thoughts to people because I' sure they wouldn't understand my way of thinking. I've tried so many times but I couldn't find the words wherein they could understand or even take interest in what I'm trying to say. I think it goes the same thing with my feelings. A close friend called me during my quiet moment and told me not to think too much and enjoy the Christmas night. I just smiled at his comment. He's got a point there though.

Eventhough I've been bruised by the down side of life, I take it as a learning experience. A blessing that would make me strong as I go on in life. It also makes the smallest blessings shine brighter and more precious. These small blessings are what makes me smile despite hard times.

I am thankful that Christmas Eve went alright at our house. Eventhough we didn't have much this year, we were still able to give each other gifts. And eventhough how small they are, they were appreciated. I am once again reminded on how good it is to have a simple life. It is far from living the luxurious life because you get to appreciate the more important things in life that you should value. It's not receiving the most expensive or the most number of gifts. It's the spirit of giving and appreciating the blessings around you.

Merry Christmas everyone : )

A Sad Week

What a week! It's been one hell of a bumpy ride down the days and I feel so exhausted. This must be the worst week I've had in my working life. I don't even know where to begin with all that has happened. : (

A Window Inside My Heart

Have you ever felt magical about someone in your life wherein you felt that spark and you know that that will last forever? I felt that at the tender age of my teens. It was too overwhelming for a teenager that I don’t know if I should believe it. I always thought about different possibilities in life because I’ve learned that everything is uncertain. Yet, I always believed in fate. I always thought that things happen for a reason. There is always a divine plan in the map of my life that connects to other people’s lives. We were too young to be sure, but a little voice inside my heart was telling me that this is the One. I knew in my instincts that it will take a long time to grow. Until now, that little voice is still clear in my heart every time we see each other. We are still very good friends but we keep it at that. I’ve had my share of broken hearts and he had his. Maybe it was meant to be that way for us to grow on our own. I’m still open to other possibilities until now because I can never tell if we are meant to be. The sad part of it is that if destiny defies what I felt years ago, he may never know nor felt what’s inside my heart. I don’t reveal something in my heart and in my mind if I know that it will complicate things. I value the friendship that has been forged for years and I’m lucky to have someone like him as one of my best friends in my life.
I’ve learned my lesson about revelation of feelings and the tricks it could play to your heart if you don’t do it wisely. I had a year-long courtship that precluded to a relationship that ended without any closure. The story behind the year-long courtship is that I would not entertain the guy because I knew he had a girlfriend. We started off as friends. I grew to like this guy but I didn’t reveal my feelings for him even though he already confessed that he was already falling for me. I placed myself in the other girl’s shoes and knew that this is unfair to her and to me too. I never revealed myself to him and gave it some time. He came back 3 or 4 times but I turned him down still uncertain about him even though he claimed that he’s a free man. Until, he became consistent with calls and frequent text messages and visits. Finally, I gave him a chance. I put on so much faith in our relationship--hell or high waters! I loved him truthfully, but he was weak. He left me without any explanation. Maybe it was all a lie from the beginning and I was a fool to believe that he felt the same. I was blinded by deceit not knowing that my heart was played on. Over a year has already passed and still, I never got any closure. I still held on for some months. It took me a long time to let go and move on. Some of my guy friends told me that he was a coward not to face responsibility for leaving me hanging and breaking my heart. My girl friends told me that I’m better off without him anyway. It took me sometime to realize that. It became a traumatic experience. I think that’s one of the reasons why I hold back a lot of things in my heart.

Taxi Ride From Hell

Yesterday, I rode a taxi going back to Makati from a client meeting. Things were fine at first, then things just started to get...ugh... The smell of the taxi was starting to annoy me and the way that the man behind the wheels drove the taxi was not at all pleasant for a passenger with motion sickness like me. He just loooves to step on the clutch and the breaks like squishing something underneath! He reminds me of my mom during her first months of driving. I didn't like riding the car when she's the one driving. It always gives me a bad stomach and a dizzy spell for the whole day. I just closed my eyes to calm my senses. But I was getting really nauseus. I keep on telling myself to control it. When I finally arrived at our office building, one of our editors saw me walk helplessly to the door. I was obviously not feeling well and I was ready to puke. He asked me what was wrong and I couldn't open my mouth well in fear that I might throw up in front of him. I managed to say "vomit" clearly to him and he got the idea. Another obstacle that I had to go through was the elevator. That makes me dizzy too. I didn't care about the people I was with inside the elevator. I just leaned against the wall and just closed my eyes again. When I arrived at the 21st floor, I thought I could stop myself from the nauseus feeling. As I stepped on my floor, I knew I had to run to the comfort room and let it out. Damn! I hate the feeling you get when you're puking! AAAAAUUUGHHH!!!

I haven't closed an account for January and I'm feeling uneasy about it because as much as I would want to meet with my clients, everyone seems to be busy all the time. I couldn't get hold of them! It's sooo frustrating! But I couldn't blame them at the same time because their all preparing for the Christmas vacation. Oh,well...

My Weekend

Last night, I brought along some of my band mates to a hip-hop event at Greenbelt. My friends who are probably reading this right now would begin to react,"She did WHAT?! What was she thinking?!" For those of you who do not know, I sing for an alternative rock band that I put up with some friends. And to answer the question why I brought them there, well, I thought that it would be interesting. And, I had to show up because the one hosting the event is my client.

So I put on my "events get up". I don't call it gimmick clothes anymore because even if I consider going to client events as "gimmicks" I still feel like I'm working. Most of the events that I go to are held after office hours. That explains why I come home late at night every week. While walking around Greenbelt, my friend teased me and told me that a guy just followed his gaze at me. I was like, "pfwwshht..errr! yeah,right! whatever!" After introducing them to my client, my friends went off for a while to buy cigarette. I stayed behind because I don't smoke. After talking to my client, he had to leave me for a while because he had to attend to something for the event. So I stood alone near the entrance of the bar with other hip-hoppers waiting to get in. In the first few minutes, I was still cool being left alone waiting for my friends to come back. I observed the people around me. There were some group of guys at one corner all wearing blue whom we later nicknamed "brotherhood". One of them was looking at me in this strange way. I just caught another one of them take a look at me in the same manner. I looked away to another direction. There's another group in another spot where one of them was giving me that same strange look. I looked around for my client in hopes that I could just tag along with him so no one would look at me weird. I was near to getting frantic when I couldn't find him so I started calling my friends on their cellphones. It took 3 to 4 missed calls before they could answer. When one of them finally answered, they were in 7-Eleven which was a 15-minute walk from the bar. I was like, HUWAAAAT?! That seems to be a bit far and it would mean that I would have to wait for 15-minutes or more before they could come back! I decided to go to Seattle's Best at Greenbelt 3 to buy something to drink and to kill time while they're not there yet. To be honest, I'm not used to that kind of crowd and getting strange stares when I'm alone.

In fairness, my friends found the whole experience interesting. One of them is probably gonna write something about it in his own Blogspot. (Hey! Be careful of what you say! Aight!?)

I went to our Christmas Bazaar awhile ago. Nothing much to see. There were some items that are interesting to buy but couldn't afford to buy any. Oh,well...

Bored

Yep. It's Friday... Went to work and did nothing much. No jamming for tonight so I'm spending my time writing down my thoughts here. Dammit! I'm experiencing writer's block a while ago when I was in my room thinking up of songs to write. Maybe I'm too stressed to do it. I have to think of an inspiration...hmmmm....

I forgot to thank my friends, for being there when I was so pissed about something AND someone. You know who you are! Thanks for being honest about what you think about the whole situation and keeping me grounded. Eventhough there are some truths that are painful and sometimes makes me realize what a fool I've been. Thanks, guys, for sticking out with me when there was another jerk who broke my heart. You all ROCK,guys! : )

Stormy weather...

I'm not too much in a mood of going to work today because of the weather. Early this morning, it was announced in the news that work is called off for today. But then, in our office, that is not the case. We still have work. Luckily, the rain subsided and I was able to go to work dry except for the one drop on my shirt. Couldn't do much work here in the office because almost every one is not in the office. I'm not feeling well either. I think I got dizzy from the elevator. Or is it because I'm not getting too much sleep lately? Oh, it' past lunch time already... I haven't eaten anything! No wonder! ;p

Jamming's canceled today. Thanks to the weather! I was planning to release some tension and stress in singing. Hmmmm...better think of another way... Shopping? Nah. Don't have money! Darn it! Which reminds me that I don't have 13th month pay! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!!!

Oh,well...I think I will just spend the night thinking of new designs for products for a business that we're trying to put up. We need to earn extra money! And, I have to write more songs for the band. Right, Amethyst?! Rock on,guys!