My Life: A Dark Fairy Tale

In one of my testimonials on Friendster, one wrote, "I just hope you will know what you really want in your life..." I do ask myself that question all the time: Mabel, what do you really want in your life? But the only answer remains the same, and I know I cannot have him. And since that is the case, I don't know what I want anymore...

I am faced with another tough decision I have to make. One that involves opportunities, a lot challenges that I ran from, more sacrifices, and life lessons. I have decided to go back to C! Magazine and start where I left off. Some people in C! have been asking me if I'll go back and some have been encouraging me to come back. A lot of times, I said I have yet to take time off from the corporate world and venture into putting up a family business to have extra income for the house. During the break, I learned a lot of life lessons and realized some hard facts about living the hard life.

Sir Kevin told me a story about a guy he knew who committed suicide a couple of months ago. This guy (I forgot his name) is a "man's man". He would take care of his family and friends who are in need. When someone close to him got broke he'd go all the way as to take care of the whole family. If someone's in trouble, he'd be the one who would protect the friend or family. To the extent that he would take a bullet for the person he's protecting. The down side is that the way he was able to do those was that he had to make some relations with some bad people. He's like the Godfather of his own personal little mafia - himself. When his dark relations took into risky consequence that will affect the people he protected and helped, he took a gun, pointed the trigger to his chin, and shot himself.

It's pretty weird that I heard this story from him when I was just discussing about coming back to work. I could very well relate to this guy's psyche about making a choice between the people he cared about and himself. There was a point when I was desperate but still held my ground in making a living in a different way. But, deep inside, the warning is nagging, "It's gonna be you or your family." And, so, I made this decision to go back to C! My family is who I live for right now and possibly towards the end. No special someone. No one else.

So, like a princess who embraced the prince that is bestowed upon her through fixed marriage, she leaves behind the prince that she trully loved in order to save her family's life and throne. I never thought that my life could be such a dark fairytale. I'm not expecting anyone to understand this tough decision I made. One thing I have to learn is how to be tough and stand firmly on my decision.

Changing Paths

I should let go. I do. I just have to gather up the strength to do it. Change my lifestyle...oh, wait, I have been doing that for years already. I think the problem is that I'm in the same country with him. Maybe I should really take moving to the US seriously this time. Get my VISA application moving. Seriously this time. Maybe I could Chef Pablo can refer me to work in the US if I take this culinary business seriously. Maybe if I change my address and be thousand of miles away from him, then I would be able to move on and forget about him. Maybe I'll find someone else greater than him. Who can really take me seriously and treat me the way I should be treated. Someone who would dare to get to know the real me and who is strong enough to love me for me.

This thing I have for him. I was alone. I was alone when I felt it. I was the only one who was in love and sure about it. But he never was. I was just one of the girls he wooed with his peculiar charms. Played around in the guise of peculiar friendships with girls. I thought I was the only one who was treated in a special way until I have met some girls who also knew him and some testimonials to attest that. I guess, I'm not the only girl he got confused with his sweet ways. I should have known better.

Well, now that I'm sure that there's nothing between us and my premonition of long ago is jinxed forever, I'm off to move on to another journey in my life. But, no matter where I go, I will still be the same person who's always in search for answers to so many lingering questions in my life.