I Should Tell You...

I should tell you...
The many secrets I've kept under the shadows
The many tears I've cried behind your back
The many years I've waited here

I should tell you...
How you make me feel beautiful
How you make me feel safe around you
How you make me smile when I'm down

I should tell you...
How I tremble by the touch of your hand
How I panic whenever you're close
How my heart flutters each time you say, "I miss you..."

I should tell you...
That I am lost in this friendship
That I am swayed by a million emotions
Yet at peace when I'm with you

I should tell you...
I have yet to know what you really feel
Confused with your sweet ways
Reminding myself that friends is all that we can be

I should tell you...
This is what I've been feeling all along
This is what has been holding me back
This is what I've been living for

The Toss

Just before my birthday, I've been facing a lot of realizations about this confusing heart situation. Questions like, why am I still saving my heart for this guy friend I can never have? Am I saving blindly to the wrong guy? Was the first that has gone (my ex), the right one all along? If so, what would've happened if I could change what happened between me and my ex? Would that be something that would put more meaning to our relationship? Am I the one who should've done something to make things work?

My bestfriend in college called my ex just last night because it was going to be his birthday today. That's when the bomb was dropped. He already has a girlfriend. And when she asked him about me, it was as if what we had didn't matter anymore. He just said that it didn't work out and never admitted that he just left without any closure. Too scared of my older brother that prevented him to make an effort to make things work. He said that he did love me but "love wasn't enough that time". Same thing he said on our last phone conversation. He made me believe that he'd still be there but he just disappeared. He was able to find an easy way out. When asked if he has plans of contacting me again, he just said that he's seeing somebody else already.

I was crushed with painful confusion. I wondered why it didn't work and was starting to think that it could be my mistake. I couldn't sleep that night recalling what he said to my friend, "I did love her, but love wasn't enough that time..." I keep asking myself "why?" I tossed and turned in my bed until 5am this morning. I just decided to go to the gym to keep my mind off this.

After going to the gym, I opened my PC in the office to check my e-mails. My MSN automatically signed in and left it like that while I settle in the office. Then came a message from my guy friend greeting me. While we were exchanging messages, I looked through Friendster and thought to take a peek at my ex's Friendster page. I did find him alright. Scanned through his page and a realization hit me - I don't care anymore. I read a new message from my guy friend. A smile lit my face for the first time in many weeks. Now I know why... I remembered the good times I had with my guy friend. He treated me how a lady should be treated. He showed me that I should have some respect for myself and that's how a guy should treat a lady.

Sniff...

I have been going through a rough week lately and I'm not happy about it. Every morning I've been trying to pull myself out of the bed fighting this depressing feeling I've been carrying. And I'm telling you, it gets heavier every single day. With all the chaos that I have to deal with and the heart ache that I am nursing to heal, I am screaming for help deep inside. I just don't know how long I can hold on to my patience and my sanity!

Sigh...I wanna go away...I need some time to be by myself and think things over and clear my head...

I think I'm gonna cry....