A Confusing Romance, Car Rides, and Two Bottles of Vodka

Just a few months ago, I wished I had someone for a boyfriend and finally taking the courage to be in a relationship again. A few months later, a lot of things changed and once again, I have in my hand a reason for staying single. I'm torn in all sorts of emotions inside my chest that makes me wish that things were less complicated.

I ALMOST kissed my close guy friend, YET I find myself falling for another guy (who's also a friend), BUT I fooled around with a guy at a party. How complicated is that? The scenarios are too overwhelming to grasp. The latter hasn't sink in to me yet.

"I ALMOST kissed my close guy friend..." (Boy1)

We got into flirting again. It was always like that. I can't tell anymore if the feelings are real for both of us or I'm just fooling myself as always. It confuses me everytime he would come around and be all sweet but nothing. But his inconsistency with his presence has loosened my grasp to my faith in this 11 years of confusing romance.

"...YET I find myself falling for another guy (who's also a friend)..." (Boy2)

It almost seemed like we couldn't possibly end up being best buddies in a small organization wherein we're surrounded by people in different statures, get along, but still be conscious of heirarchy. It was like he was Prince Charming and I was Cinderella. He is connected by blood to some of the people in the high society pages. I maybe a distant relative of a senator but historically, our family was never an establishment in the who's who in the creme de la creme. So, technically, I'm just a modern-day Cinderella who hasn't filled a glass slipper.

I must admit, I was reluctant to approach him during the first year I got to know him. He seemed like this guy in our village who I used to have a big crush on when I was young. Mestizo, poker faced but handsome, dark-eyed, and aloof. But when I tried to approach him for help, he just quietly got up from his seat and carried some of my stuff like a quiet bear who didn't mind to use his strength to help a small nobody like me. That was the start of a new found friendship and a series of memorable car rides with him.

There were a lot of moments that he did some things that tugged some strings in my heart. They were moments that were cute and sweet at the same time. But, I was too deep in love with Boy1 to even feel something romantic towards him. And, besides, he had a girlfriend that time.

A lot of people have been telling me that we "look" good together. At the first year, it was something absurd to hear. He was more like a brother or a cousin. His deep voice and humor reminded me of my eldest cousin, Louie. The next year, I still couldn't fathom the idea. After some heart breaking confusions with the first guy and spending more crazy car rides and deep stares with him, I find myself thinking about him more than I should. And with more people getting suspicious of our friendship, I also find myself getting uncomfortable and awkward. Maybe I've learned from the couples I've known who got pressured by their peers to be together but ended up splitting because the foundation of their commitment wasn't really based on true romance. I wouldn't want that for us.

Funny how people could see something between us. They say we have some chemistry. But, chemistry is prevalent in all friendships. So, what's the difference? How I wish I could also see what they have seen. I can only feel what he has done to my heart.

I guess I was right about having some unfinished business when I went back to the company where we first met. One of them was discovering love again. I was really sad when I left the company again. The first thing that dreaded me when I was in the middle of deciding the big move was that I won't see him everyday anymore. But, I had to do what I had to do for my family. I was still denying what I felt. I just hated the fact that I'm gonna miss him a lot.

The only time I realized that I have really fallen was when he came to a party and we looked deep into each others' eyes like we always do whenever we talk. I also realized how much I missed how he looked at me like he can already see deep into me like he knew a secret about me.

"...BUT I fooled around with a guy at a party." (Boy3)

I've known this guy for some time already. Seen him around when we were growing up but only got acquainted when we were older because we would always bump into each other during events and media parties. Just lately, he would try and get his luck at asking me out. But, I would always gently turn him down.

I was at a party the other week and I couldn't wait to see Boy 2 again after a month of not seeing him because I moved on to another company. Boy 3 was also there to my surprise. I didn't know he was also invited to be in the party.

Since Boy 2 seem to be picking up some girl after the party (which broke my heart, thanks to the moron he came with), I didn't ask him anymore for a ride home. I was hoping that he would give me a ride home. I missed having car rides with him. Instead, I took Boy3's invitation to bring me home. We ended up having that drink which was turned down several times. Both of us got drunk. And got into a little fooling around. When he was making a move, the first thing that popped into my head as I was staring out the window overlooking the city lights was, "I wish I had gone home with Boy 2..." Which was what kept me from going all the way with Boy3. Nothing really serious happened which I am thankful for. When Boy3 and I were talking about what just came over us during that murky moment, he must've thought that it really hasn't sink in for I was still drunk. But, the truth is all I could think of was still "I wish I had gone home with Boy2."