Finding My Way Out of the Dark Corner

Ten years ago, I was asked a question by our high school guidance councilor: Where do you see yourself in 10 years? I thought I knew the answer. I was sure of it. But, now, I don't know anymore. Where I am now, I quit my glamorous job in search of my lost soul and trying to recover from my injured foot and broken heart. At an early age, I had these ideals and my intuition running through my veins. As I got older, I never thought that my ideals would be ripped apart and the future I was looking forward to would be thwarted. It's like I'm in this TV series that keeps making twists in ideal set-ups making the story keep changing its course in the character's life. I got tired in believing anything good that comes my way and I have lost my hope in ever finding true love.

I know my story isn't over yet. That is why I'm trying to change my story so I could believe in something again and find my way back into believing that there is someone out there for me to love. Who deserves my love.

Learning How To Walk Again

I haven't written down anything here for quite a while now. I have been in crutches for the most part of May. I tripped over a wire and twisted my left foot leaving me with torn tendons. Two days later, I had a cast on my foot because the doctor said my torn tendons would heal properly that way. I was advised to take a rest for two to three weeks. My problem was I only have two weeks left in C! Magazine before I officially end my service to them. Plus, there were endorsements to finish. AND, the boredom was killing me because I was stuck in my room most of the time and I'm just getting used to moving around with crutches. I only rested for a few days and went back to work the Friday of that same week when I had my foot casted. The good thing was, my boss let me stay in-doors and do necessary administrative work and calls. The bad thing is I wasn't able to visit my clients for the last time.



I felt so helpless! I couldn't buy lunch downstairs from the office, I couldn't walk in through a door without bumping into door jams, walls, and my crutches, long tri-pod hops to the ladies' room / bath room, standing with one foot during mass while singing and listening to gospels, hopping up the stairs was harder, walking...or should I say tri-pod hopping with my friends while THEY walk, taking a bath would take me an hour and a half, and also trying to get something out of the refrigerator.



They say that when you're disabled or have some kind of illness, you feel weak and the more you think about it the more your body deteriorates and refuses to heal. I thought about the things I enjoyed doing. Playing tennis, walking ang jogging around the park, going out with friends, going to places near the village alone. Especially when the choir outing is coming up and my friends, JP and Carla, are in town for a visit. I thought of how I'm ever gonna go around jamming with old band mates and if I'm ever gonna be well in time for the outing. And then I started to panic. WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO MY SOCIAL LIFE???!!!!



They say that you get to know who your real friends are when you're in trouble and in need of a helping hand. It's weird for me because, I'm not used to being helpless and having my friends keep an eye on me everytime I risk myself in doing something stupid. I saw that in my friends when I decided to live my life like I wasn't injured. I went to my Mom and told her that I've decided to take off the cast on the second week. She tried to talk me out of it and to at least have it on till some part of the third week. I got myself into debating with some of my friends when I should remove my cast. I wanted to remove it on the second week because eventhough the doctor told me to keep it on for three weeks, it's OK to take it off on the second week. But since they want to be sure that I'll be able to make it to the outing, they talked me into sticking with the cast for another 3 awful agonizing days. And since I have a friend who's a physical therapist, I cannot argue any further.

When Ranier finally took off my cast, I thought everything would be back to normal. Take off the cast and walk like Jesus has raised someone from the dead. I didn't know that it would take a while before I could walk with my two feet. When he took off the cast, the swelling is still there and there was a pain at the side of my calf just above my ankle and I can't put pressure on my left foot because the muscles and the nerves have to adjust because I didn't use it for 3 weeks. Well, 2 weeks and 3 days. I panicked as Ranier checked my foot and was mumbling his medical language which was irritatingly foreign to me. I think I watched too much Grey's Anatomy because any small injury or symptom becomes a big surgical death sentence. I felt nauseus and laid back on the sofa as I gulped down a glass of cold Sprite. Ranier told me that I'm being silly because my injury is far from my heart. I was advised to still walk in crutches until my left leg could adjust to weight bearing. I was depressed for a while, but I did some mental motivation to learn how to walk with both feet again. One week later, I have let go of both crutches and I am now walking with a cane. I'm getting there. :)

I learned that during desperate times, even the people that you don't like are also the ones who can prove you wrong about some things about them. No matter how much you dislike them, they do have some good in them. And I realized that, I'm still guarded by my pain and wouldn't cut some slack to those people. I am recognizing that now. The only thing that is compromising between negative and positive reaction is my being a "softie" as my friend, Apple, would put it. If I was too cold hearted, I wouldn't even acknowledge that little fact about myself. I would be in denial if I were too bitter.

So, now I'm currently a bum. Again. I've been doing some soul searching and I'm learning how to walk again. I meant that both literally and figuratively. There are so many things that I've been thinking about my life now and where I'll go from here. I just hope I'm walking on the right path.