The Ugly Duckling Come Full Circle

It felt almost like committing suicide and murder at the same time.

I never thought that I could do something so drastic and rebellious in my life. I moved out of our house and tried living alone. With all the pressures and problems at home, I couldn't bring myself to learn how to be on my own to grow and concentrate working without worrying about personal issues on the side. I had to do something and make a stand with this. Or else I'll go crazy.

In over the span of two weeks, I was able to say my quick goodbyes to village friends and my brothers. My mom wouldn't want to talk to me when I told her that I have found a place to live. There were a lot of misconceptions on that part that made me move out a lot quicker. I left her a long letter expressing everything I felt all these years before I boarded a taxi bearing the rest of my stuff. She didn't know I left already. She thought I was just sleeping in my room. It was a shock to her to find my room empty of me.

I was over confident that I could survive because I had money. "This will be easy." I thought. Having enough money to help out at home and having money to be able to support myself. Perfect. I'm RICH. I can do whatever I want, now that I have money. But, I later learned the bitter truth that it's not that simple.

Who would've thought that a week could flood you with a lot of other realizations that you've never thought would be possible. I keep telling myself that maybe my homesickness and loneliness has an influence over my judgement. "Be strong. You can do this." I keep telling myself over and over each time I spend lonely nights curled up reading a book to quiet the voices inside my head that something is wrong about this. "Think about the future. Think about the future." I keep visualizing reaching that goal of living in a really big house all on my own. But then I thought, would I enjoy it with my loved ones with me? I thought that maybe this is the way to make things work. I wanted to change the course of the family history. Later on, I only realized that I am only heading to the same path and this path I chose will have a great influence to that doomed future. A broken and messed up family. Is this the right way and the right time to move on to grow? Will I be proud of myself when I bring new souls into this world only to show that I left a really dark past behind without ever trying to fix it? That wouldn't be a good example to pass on to my would-be children - because that was exactly what happened to my father's family which left them obliterate.

Valued relationships restrained, a lot of mess was left, and unfinished business that I have neglected. This was also accompanied by an even low performance at work that made me all the more depressed. I can picture the ghost of my father disapproving of my actions. I know I have betrayed a lot of people I cared about with my vanity, carelessness, and pride. For the first time, I saw the monster that I have become. "This isn't me." I thought. Is this the person i wanted to become? I felt disgusted with myself. I was a mess. And, totally lost.

In my little "apartment" room, I was left with my thoughts. "It's time to listen to your heart, Mabel...No more questions of what people would think and your pride is no longer important...this is your family that you're risking." the voice inside me whispered. It's probably what my father would have told me if he were alive and talking some sense out of me right now. I left the next morning to pay a visit at home. When I saw that I was right about the mess that I left and a friend who honestly told me what he thought that brought some sense out of me, I decided to move back home. I honestly didn't know how to explain myself to people who knew I moved out. But, then again, how could you expect everyone to understand? There was one who was utterly disappointed that somehow brought hate in her for me, but I can't blame her for reacting that way because she's the last person who would understand the depths of the thoughts that move my world.

In those two weeks of my messed up phase, I learned to see who my true friends are. Friends who would accept you for all your flaws and mistakes and who's there for you when you didn't have anyone to turn to. And for this phase I've gone through, I am deeply in debt for all the kindness and care they have given me.

Fallen Angel

There is a point in a glam life that you learn most of real life's hardest lessons.

The dangerous side of all this is that once you get a taste of little power you develop boldness in using it. It becomes sort of a happy drug and you can't get enough of it. You become so addicted to it that you cannot see reason and right judgement anymore. You get vain and, at the same time, vulnerable of other people's opinions about you. You get blinded by the lights of high society and get easily influenced by their kind of strut in their public life that you fail to see that they also have flaws. You begin to chase the wrong dreams and aspirations. You leave behind the closest people with the speed of your lifestyle. You hunger for the BIG life. You cling to it like a leech.

Then, comes a point wherein you have let your pride blindly drag you down to your own lonely hell.

The Glam Life

The glamorous life.


Who doesn't like going to parties? Everyone likes parties. In our job, we are supposed to know how to mingle with people. This is where I met different kinds of people. From socialites and celebrities to the most humble beings. Up to the CEO's down to their receptionists. From the most warm to the cold. Different people from different walks of life. I learned that everyone has their own story but could relate to each other only if there were no social barriers. Who would think that I, a middle class nobody, can relate to a upper class dame about hair trouble? Ok...that statement was too "Legally Blond"-ish. But, you get my point, right?


Almost every month, we are required to go to the events of our clients. These events are more like parties. Which my mom accuses me of enjoying too much. If only she knew. It gets really tiring after a while. Having to go there at night when you would just rather go home and sleep. I'm not saying that I don't like it. I love going out and enjoying meeting people. There are times when I'm too stressed and tired to go. Also, there are times when you go to the same places. I slipped by tongue clumsily about this high-end venue that is a choice of most clients to hold their events. I told this guy that I was already tired of going to that place. Later on, I found out that HE was the owner of that place. Oops... What I really meant was that I was tired of giong there for EVENTS. I would like to go there just to enjoy dancing and hanging out with friends without being conscious of acting professional around business parters. You see, that's the difference in going to parties to have FUN and going to these pseudo-event parties that require you to BEHAVE. My boss gave me a stern restraint in drinking alcohol during events. She said that I have a tendency to drink too much. I was surprised because I never went overboard to the point that I'd get too drunk to bring myself home. But my boss told me that it was so obvious because my face would easily flush and get giddy. Ok, fine...I get TIPSY.

It is true that you get to meet a lot of people at events. There are a lot of guys too. I remembered a guy friend of mine who kept on asking me if I have met anyone interesting at these events. (I'm like, "What's it to him anyway?") I just said that I haven't met anyone "interesting". I know that this part of my job exposes me to a lot of guys. But, I haven't quite met anyone that really catches my attention. Some guys that I got to know became my friends, and there are some guys who would shower me with kind compliments and flirt. It all ends there though. I've learned how to read a guy's level of sincerity in his actions. I know when to let my guard down to the right person. *Sigh* Too bad he doesn't know I'd let my guard down any day for him.


Going to these events made me come out of my shell little by little. I remember when I went to my first Mitsubishi Christmas party, James set me up to sing with the accoustic band on-stage. I had declined the invitation at first when the host called for someone in the media to sing with the band. I was cowering behind Aileen and Nana so as not to attract any more attention by James' and the others' cheer. That was the very first time I displayed my talent in front of more than a hundred people. It was even a bigger crowd than our usual audience during our small gigs. And, I must admit. I loved it. James took photos. I felt like a real pop star for a few minutes. After that, I blushed the whole evening from the looks of people at my direction. I couldn't tell if they were curious or annoyed that I was a show off. I just kept my chin up and pretended I didn't see them looking at me. I blushed even more when the people from Mitsubishi smiled at me delightedly. I didn't know if they were amused or if they had another plan in mind. Later on, every time I would go to their office or see them in their other events, they would remind me to sing again on their next Christmas party. After that, I was invited to sing to different parties. And, twice, it was James' fault.

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More on my next entry.... keep on reading!