Diversion

For a week, I wasn't able to get a good internet access ever since the earthquake in Taiwan happened. I was so frustrated because I wasted my time breaking my 1 week vacation leave just to finish something important at the office only to find out that the internet connection is down. I wasn't able to accomplish anything important. But then, I thought it was a good diversion to go to the office and look for something to keep my mind occupied instead of thinking about him.

I kept telling myself that I shouldn't cry over it but I couldn't control my tears when I woke up on Christmas day realizing that the previous night passed without a call from him. I only cried more when I heard "Dreaming With A Broken Heart" on my cd player as I was dressing up. Damn it! What's John Mayer doing in my cd player??? I thought I took him back in the crypts of my drawer last night? The tears I tried to hide from my friends last night finally spilled in the privacy of my room. I didn't want to appear vulnerable and ruin everyone's Christmas mood. I just gave in to the laughter with choir friends and took advantage of the company of good old friends (Mara and Ian came home from the US for the holidays).

When I was through crying, I got out and I just kept myself busy with entertaining my relatives over Christmas lunch. Only to be greeted by my aunts and ninongs with the same question, "Hija! You're glowing! Do you have a boyfriend already?" Glowing??? GLOWING??? What's the matter with these people??? Can't they tell the difference between heaven from hell??? (Ok, I'm not making any sense...)

I spent most of my holiday break with some choir friends and balik-bayan friends. It was a good diversion from all the stress from work and my troubled heart. I needed a good company of friends to cheer me up. It was a good thing we got together again on New Year's Eve because I was so depressed when I got a cold and distant reply from him and the quarrel with my brother in the afternoon. As usual, I watched the fireworks outside. I remembered the time when he used to call me on New Year's Eve while we watched the fireworks in the sky. Last night, I watched them alone. The cellphone in my hand was quiet. I felt really lonely and missed him terribly. "Why didn't you call him instead?" you wonder. Hellooo! After a cold reply like that??? I might just get irritated and be sarcastic. I didn't want to ruin my New Year's Eve any further. And, I'll be going over Mara's house again for a get-together before she leaves for the airport. This is a welcome diversion and it's not often that I get to spend New Year's Eve with friends.

Earlier that night, I went over to the adoration chapel before Misa de Gallo started and prayed for a good new year ahead for my family and also about this confusing state I am in. I can't even complain because, after all, I'm just a friend. One of the many female friends he is acquainted to. I think it didn't matter if we already have pet names for each other. I think it didn't matter if we did things that close friends do. Maybe I just misread his actions and got the wrong impression. I admit that I've made my own mistakes lots of times that makes me not the perfect person for him. But if anyone will ask me when was the last time I felt trully (and crazy) in love, it was the moments I spent with him and the moments he was constantly present in my life. I just prayed that if it is His will that we drift apart like this and he finds happiness in someone else, then so be it. That's the price that I have to pay if that's the only way to make him happy. I just asked for strength to accept whatever will happen.

I know what you guys are thinking...(waaaaahhhh! martyr!) But, that's what I really think is the rational thing to do.

Cold Christmas

Just a few more hours before I prepare for Simbang Gabi. Though I've been trying to look at the bright side of things to help me still look forward to Christmas, I cannot deny that something is missing in my life. I'm afraid that this year, I won't hear his voice on the phone on Christmas Eve. We've drifted apart all of a sudden. He just called me by my name and not the pet name he usually calls me. It's a sign already, I thought sadly to myself one night as I stared sleeplessly to the dim blank space of my room.

Everytime people would ask me, "Do you have a boyfriend already?", I look back to the scenarios that happened before that moment someone asks me that question. The discussion on money matters with my mom in the car on the way to the grocery store, computing items on my cellphone in the middle of the busy grounds of Tropical Hut Market hoping my bank account could still afford the groceries, troubled thoughts at the back of my head about unfinished work that still has to be settled after Christmas....hmmmm....I wonder WHY???

People would wonder why. Especially, someone special I know.

First of all, I could have a boyfriend if I wanted to eventhough my work demands most of my time and especially since the industry that I move in surrounds me with lots of men. The truth is, I haven't met anyone who can surpass the greatness of this feeling I have from the first boy who ever got me head over heels in love since almost ten years ago. And, he still has my heart in his hands eventhough we don't see each other or communicate as often as before. He doesn't know it though. I am in agony with this confusion of our friendship. Have I understood him wrong with his actions? Or am I right with my heart's intuitions that his dellusionary harsh remarks to me lately is hidden jealousy?

It's almost time for me to get dressed in my best clothes for Christmas Eve mass. This night will pass in numbness in one of the dark corners of my heart. I can feel it. I can only pray that I would cross his mind and angels move his heart to give me a call.

Oo
UpDharmaDown

di mo lang alam, naiisip kita
baka sakali lang, maisip mo ako
di mo lang alam, hanggang sa gabi
inaasam makita kang muli

nagtapos ang lahat sa di inaasahang panahon
at ngayon akoy iyong iniwang
luhaang sugatan di-mapakinabangan
sana nagtanong ka lang kung di mo lang alam
sanay nagtanong ka lang kung di mo lang alam
akoy iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang

hindi mo lang alam kay tagal nang panahon
akoy nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon, para sayo
lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
kung akoy nagkasala, patawad na sana
ang puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal

di mo lang alam akoy iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
puro siya na lang, sanay ako naman
di mo lang alam, ikay minamasdan
sanay iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam

di mo lang alam, kahit tayoy magkaibigan lang
bumabalik lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
akoy nandito lang, hindi mo lang alam
matalino ka naman

kung ikaw at ako ay tunay na bigo
sa laro na ito ay dapat bang sumuko
sanay di ka na lang pala aking nakilala
kung alam ko lang akoy yong masasaktan ng ganito
sanay nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

di mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
puro siya na lang, sanay ako naman
di mo lang alam, ikay minamasdan
sanay iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam
malas mo . . . ikaw ang natipuhan ko
di mo lang alam, akoy yong nasaktan..

Christmas Blues

Things are going crazy again in my life. Just the other day, I fought with one of our accounting people because she asked me if she can deduct the remaining taxes of my commission (which she miscalculated) to my December salary. The tax amounted to almost P 10,000! And, I'm like, "Are you completely insane???" In the first place, why should I suffer for the mistake she did??? I got so mad, tears started to come down my cheeks. A few minutes earlier, I was just talking to my aunt about plans of celebrating our usual Christmas family reunion at our house in Tahanan. I was telling her that I prepared some special prizes for a Bingo game so that there will be a fun activity for the oldies to enjoy. And I was already planning on what food to buy for Noche Buena and Christmas lunch with the immediate family. My mind was set on making this Christmas special even if I only have enough money to make my family happy through simple gifts and food. And, of course, a little extra such as Bingo games and prizes to make the gathering more memorable.

When I was greeted with that dilemma, I got really depressed. All I could say in my prayer before I sleep was, "Lord, all I wanted was to make this Christmas special...please don't make them take my salary away." And I just cried myself to sleep after that.
*********************************************************************************
I dreamed of him that night. It has been a long time since I've had one of those dreams wherein it felt almost real that he's there near me. But I woke up in the middle of the night due to too much stress over the depressing event the day before. I tried going back to sleep in hopes of going back to the same dream. I missed him so much, I didn't wanna wake up anymore. It was the only place I felt safe and loved. The dreams I've had with him were like a progression of a courtship.

It's funny I had this dream now because I just got upset about what he's been joking about my lifestyle being in the automotive media. I almost feel like he thinks of me as a slut of some sort. I didn't like it. And I was so hurt to be joked around as such coming from him. It's like he didn't knew me well enough. I was so disappointed.

I was so sad because I was hoping he'd be the one who'll make Christmas special for me. After seeing friends pairing off and hearing friends gush about their romances, I am left by myself after all that. I am happy for my friends. It's my situation in my love life I'm not happy about. Nana just told me before she and Brian left my house that it's my turn to get a boyfriend. She and Brian just hooked up over a week ago. I felt more lonely hearing that from her. I know that once a close friend finds a partner, you can't hang out together as often as you used to. And it's a hassle to be hanging out with her and the boyfriend because, like your friend's boyfriend or not, you still feel like the third wheel. Because you ARE the third wheel. Sigh...I guess, I'll grow old alone like most of my aunts who dedicated most of their lives in their career. That's one of my greatest fears...

It was ironic because the new progression of our relationship in my dream was that we finally kissed. And it felt so real.

Dear You,

I want you to know that I have been hurting lately by how you think of me. No, I am not the kind of person you think I am. No, I am not the kind of girl you'd think is easy. No, I don't go around sleeping with every guy I meet. Didn't you notice that I am somewhat cold and unsure whenever you do something peculiar? It's because I don't even know if you're real or just using me as your mean-time girl. I can still remember what you told me a few years back, about a girl in the past you're still hoping to end up with. Can you blame me if I was unsure about how to respond to your sweet remarks and peculiar actions? If I was the wild girl you perceive me to be, I would've taken advantage of you and dropped you as soon as I find someone else. You may have let me down lots of times as a friend and as a man, but, one, two, million times I keep taking you back in my heart. No, I don't find your jokes and sly remarks funny anymore. This time I'm not going to let it slide because I've been hiding these bleeding wounds far too long. Watch your words, honey. Or else you'll just eat every single word you just said when you find out what I've been keeping in my heart for a long time now.

Did you ever wonder why I never committed to anyone for a long time? Did you ever wonder why of all the guys that I have met along the way, you were the only one I wanted spend time with? Did you ever wonder why I hug you back as tight? Did you ever wonder who I was talking about when I said I am in love with a friend who I feel in my heart is the One? It is because all this time, I've been in love with you. And I don't know anymore if I should still come near you or just disappear like I did before. And this is the last thing I wanna say before I let this feeling go.

I may have a lot of guy friends and been in one romantic relationship but there was only one that I trully loved. There was only one boy who had my heart ever since that summer 9 years ago. That was you.

Fast Lane

It's one crazy week! I'm getting dizzy with all the proposals that we have to send out and the quota that we have to achieve. And, I mean, literally dizzy! Just the other day, I vomited twice when I got to my client meeting and again when I came back to the office. It was also because of the freaking taxi ride. I swear! Most of these taxi drivers are clutch drivers! They just luuuuv to step on the brake just a bit too much as they step on to the clutch.

Anyway, I'm still learning how to get used to being "the boss". It's still overwhelming, more so with the big responsibility and the leadership that I have to take. It's also tough, because you have to instill a discipline in yourself because you have to be a good example to your fellow officemates. And, also, you have to discipline them also even if they're kinda close to you personally. I handled one AE before and I had to let her go because she wasn't performing well. It's hard for me to do it because I have a soft spot for nice people. The girl was nice, but I have to admit that she isn't really doing her job and I know that I have to consider the fate of the group if one isn't functioning well.

My life's revolving around my work and my friends and family. Nothing romantic has come my way in a long time. I remember telling an officemate that maybe the reason why I haven't got any boyfriend is that God thinks that there's more in single life I have to experience and enjoy before I give myself completely to the right man for me. But I do still long for that romantic feeling to come around again and give me that natural high. Everytime I think about my murky situation with a guy friend, I always wonder if we will still end up together or will he just be someone who got away? We're both career driven and we move in different circles. There would be a possibility that he might meet someone else. Then whatever "kilig" moments that we shared won't mean anything anymore. It would be something that will be left in the past and soon it will be long forgotten. I wonder if I will still cross his mind when we get older. Would he still look for me like he did before?

TreoLuck

I went to the launch event of the Treo 680 last Tuesday. I was about to change my plans and just stay in the office to finish things ahead of time. But since I have done pretty much most of what needs to be done before lunch time, I still had enough time to travel to go to the event.

I was fashionably late. Just in time when they have served food on the table. It was held in one of my favorite restaurants in Greenbelt 3, The People's Palace. As usual, of all the events that I attended in that restaurant, I was the only one who enjoyed the Pomelo Salad. Ha. I can eat a bowlful of that! Joey has been telling me how good the other foods are. All of them were good!

When the program started, they announced that 1 unit of Treo 680 will be raffled out at the last part of the program. I heard excited snickers from JC, Chuck, and Joey. (oi...wait...that sounded like Tito,Vick,and Joey...hihihihihihihihihiii...) The PDA phone's pretty cool. You can store Word and Xcel files in it as well as music and videos. What's cute about it also is how small it is and it has smileys in the text menu (or whatever you call that sub-menu). It also comes with cool colors such as Arctic, Coppper, Graphite, and Crimson. It has VGA camera, that's one thing that's not so good about it. With the latest PDA phones nowadays, they already have at least 2 megapixel cameras. It's just weird that they didn't upgrade it also with a 2 megapixel camera. Oh, well. At least you can do other things with it and it's a perfect phone for work. Price: Php 28,900. Hmmm...Not bad for a top executive's budget for starters in the Palm scene.

At last, the moment everyone's been waiting for - the raffle. Everyone held their breaths as the Singaporean representative of Palm flipped and fished for a business card in the fish bowl. I had a strong feeling that my card will be picked. I brushed the premonition aside. There were a lot of people, there's a slim chance that I would be picked. Then a card was picked out. The back was red...and I could see the logos of C!, F1, Evo... I held my breath...

"And the lucky winner of the Treo 680 is....Isabel Cortes of C!Magazine!"

I let out a small squeel of delight! "Oh,my God!" was all I could say, wide-eyed and still in disbelief. I wasn't surprised that I won. I was surprised that another one of my premonitions was right. This is the weirdest so far.

It's also a blessing that I won a phone. (Actually, this is the second time this year that I won a phone. Early this year, it was the MotoSLVR.) I have been planning on buying a new phone because I need a phone that has larger memory, longer battery life, and a better camera. I have been targetting into getting a Nokia 6233 this December but, I realized that with the expenses that I have to face this Christmas, it didn't seem promising that I will be able to afford to buy for the time being. Then this event came along. I was so lucky that day. :D