Colgate

My cat died yesterday and I'm still crying about it. *Sigh* this is the second time I've cried this week. It's been years since I stopped having pets. They either died because of a sickness or escaped. I cried everytime that would happen. I stopped caring about the other ones that came after because I didn't want to get hurt. Then Colgate came along. Her color was snowy white that's why we gave her that name. She had a purple beaded collar around her neck when we found her lingering in our garage. At first, I didn't want anything to do with her. Then every night when I got home from work, she'd suddenly pop out and say, "Meoww..." like she wanted to make friends with me. It took awhile before she could snuggle up between my feet because I was distanciating myself. One morning, when I was in the kitchen, I found her curled up like a ball underneath a counter top table. Our maid has placed an old pillow where Colgate can sleep. My heart melted at the sight of this tiny creature. She woke up at my movement and quickly walked up to me and snuggled around my legs. I reached out and scratched her little head and that's when I started to love the little cat.

Every morning, I would let her in the kitchen and feed her. Sometimes, my younger brother would let her sleep in his room. Her favorite fish meal was "paksiw". Every night when I would arrive home, she'd be in my brother's room watching tv or play aournd the room. I would play with her and she would always cuddle up on my lap. I'm the only one she cuddles up with. I remember one Sunday afternoon when I let her stay in my room. I was about to sleep and she saw me lay down on the bed. She copied me and went up my bean bag and imitated me. But as she lay on her back, she still watched me. When I opened my eyes again, I found her at the foot of my bed curled up beside my leg and she was peacefully sleeping. I smiled and went back to sleep.

She's the first pet I really got involved in everything that has to do with taking care of her welfare. I did not only feed her but I also bathed her just like she was my own baby. I called her "my baby cat". I would sing to her when I let her stay in my room and whenever she's cranky when she's being bathed. I hugged her all the time. She was a very loveable cat.

It all ended yesterday. That morning, I gave her a bath and had her stay in my room. I was making a collar for her on my bed. She jumped up and was snooping around my things. I had to put her down a couple of times. But she kept jumping up. When she finally got the message that she's not supposed to snoop around, she lay on my blanket and watched me make the collar. I played with her for a while because she was fussing about the nylon strings. When she got tired, I went back to work. She just lay there and watched me. She laid her cute little head on my leg and rested her tiny paw on it. I looked at her and smiled at that simple gesture of love. She fell asleep after a while. By the time Mito had texted me that I went out with Mito and she got out of the house. I told our maid to put her back in the kitchen because I just gave her a bath. A few hours later, I received a message from my older brother saying that Colgate's dead. I quickly called up the house. Our maid was the one who answered the phone. I asked where Colgate was. She was lost for words how to tell me about the tragic accident that took place a few minutes after Mito and I left. Colgate was run over by a red car when she tried to cross the street from our garage. I cried while Mito and I were at a shoe store in Town Center. I tried hard to control my tears till I got home late that night. I haven't cried this hard about someone that was close to my heart for a long time. I still cry about her. I'm crying right now as I write about her.

Alzheimer's

What if I had Alzheimer's disease?

Before and if these memory lapses lead to that. I would write down all the fond memories I have had with my friends and family and what my dreams are. I would leave off the bitter memories that should be forgotten but remind me of the ones that could protect me later. I would write it all down in my diary and leave an instruction to my mom or younger brother to bring me my diary books when I get lost in my illness. And, I would also have to write the letter to someone really special and pour out my heart about the 10 years of my silence.

I have been having a lot of memory lapses lately. It's more like I'm having little amnesias from time to time. I already consulted my godfather who's a doctor and referred my case to a neurologist. I'm taking medications now. But, of course, with the mess it caused, I don't know how long before I can get back my self confidence. It has affected my work and my personal relationships with people I deal with at work.

My Mom told me that the cause might be stress. She told me that I have been thinking too much about my problems at work and at home. Even when I am sick, I still work at home which causes my mind to be more stressed because I am not able to rest my whole self fully. My godfather has told me to take a leave and detach myself from work for a while. My problem is that I can't be taking a rest when the kind of my job that I have has high demands and I have to work to be able to feed my family. But, it has been a while since I've felt like leaving the job that I have right now. I really don't wanna do sales all my life. If only I have the freedom to do whatever I want in my life, I would only do one thing - sing.

Right now, I feel like I'm going to break down in this little cage I'm in. I've been trying to convince myself that I can still live like this and that I'm just being swayed by my emotions. But, I just can't take it anymore.

Dreaming of Becoming a DreamGirl

At 25, life couldn't be more hard and complicated. I used to target this age as the time that I would marry. Little did I know that the future has destined me to be married to my responsibilities at home. Some people may think that I've got it easy and I'm living a good life. Glamorous job, lots of friends, talents, wit and humour, and a pretty face. But, behind these, I am still trying to find where to place myself in this world. I think I'm still trying to please everyone and I haven't found my own voice.

They say that you should do something daring or crazy sometimes. I've done my share of them. But there are still a lot of big things that I dream of doing but am too scared to take the leap. One is (silly but true) pursue my dream of singing as a profession or join a singing competition. I haven't shown my "full potential" as Simon Cowell would put it, because I haven't gone completely out of my shell when it comes to my talent. I'm in the comfort zone of my friends' appreciation. I am still not quite convinced that I am already great at singing. I dream of getting Randy Jackson to say "YOW!" when he hears me sing or Simon Cowell's "1 Million Percent" appreciation and Paula's inspiring words. Ok, maybe it will take me years before I get to compete in American Idol. I need to get myself an American citizenship before that happens. One of my new inspirations is Jennifer Hudson. She may not have won American Idol, but because she believed in her talent, she was able to land a role in Dream Girls. Her first movie and the reason she was able to win an Oscar. The recognition of her talent didn't limit itself to the American Idol competition. It has reached all over the world. I wish I can have that same moment...

Gist

I haven't been writing here for a month now. To be honest, I haven't really found any inspiration to write about anything here lately. Everytime I would come to this site, I loose the momentum. I am lost for words to express what I am going through emotionally about the things that's affecting me. Just to give a gist of what happened to me the past month.

1. I FINALLY (!) got my Palm Treo 680 which I won at its launch last November. I think I'm already getting the hang of using it. It's a cool phone. :)
2. My Godmother came home for a visit and I spent two weeks with her at Mandarin Hotel. (Also one of the reasons why I haven't been going on line during week ends. I got hooked on the cable TV.)
3. I spent Valentine's Day not being bitter. So, I showered everyone at the office with Toblerones and I watched a movie with my officemate then treated my Mom to Starbucks instead of buying her flowers.
4. I started talking again with the Chinese guy who I used to date. No, I'm still not gonna date him again.
5. I'm starting to get memory gaps. How do I know? I thought I lost my watch at Mandarin Hotel only to find out two weeks later that it was in one of my shoe boxes and a lot of other incidences. I really need a sabbatical leave!
6. I've been pressuring myself to apply for a VISA. My Godmother told me that she will sponsor my trip. I really hope I won't have a hard time to process my VISA. Maybe that will be the perfect time to take a sabbatical leave.
7. ....sigh....maybe you can tell what number 7 is. I don't want to talk about it just yet. I'm not really sure anymore about what to say on this subject. I'll just let Joss Stone sing the blues for me...


Spoiled
Joss Stone

I kinda thought that I'd be better off by myself
I've never been so wrong before
You made it impossible for me to ever Love somebody else
And now I don't know what I left you for
See I thought that I could replace you
He can't love me the way you do
'Till now I never knew
Baby

[Chorus:]
I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life
I'm spoiled

I tried to tell myself that I'd be over you in a week or two
But baby that was 'bout a year ago
I've never seen the word love so personified as I do with you
And that is why I just can't let go, oh no

[Chorus]
Spoil me
And I would only be fooling myself if I tried to
Believe there's room for someone else in my heart
There ain't no way I'm getting over you
I don't know what I've been trying to prove
I'm hopeless, helpless when it comes to you

[Chorus]
I've been spoiled yeah yeah