Christmas Blues
Things are going crazy again in my life. Just the other day, I fought with one of our accounting people because she asked me if she can deduct the remaining taxes of my commission (which she miscalculated) to my December salary. The tax amounted to almost P 10,000! And, I'm like, "Are you completely insane???" In the first place, why should I suffer for the mistake she did??? I got so mad, tears started to come down my cheeks. A few minutes earlier, I was just talking to my aunt about plans of celebrating our usual Christmas family reunion at our house in Tahanan. I was telling her that I prepared some special prizes for a Bingo game so that there will be a fun activity for the oldies to enjoy. And I was already planning on what food to buy for Noche Buena and Christmas lunch with the immediate family. My mind was set on making this Christmas special even if I only have enough money to make my family happy through simple gifts and food. And, of course, a little extra such as Bingo games and prizes to make the gathering more memorable.
When I was greeted with that dilemma, I got really depressed. All I could say in my prayer before I sleep was, "Lord, all I wanted was to make this Christmas special...please don't make them take my salary away." And I just cried myself to sleep after that.
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I dreamed of him that night. It has been a long time since I've had one of those dreams wherein it felt almost real that he's there near me. But I woke up in the middle of the night due to too much stress over the depressing event the day before. I tried going back to sleep in hopes of going back to the same dream. I missed him so much, I didn't wanna wake up anymore. It was the only place I felt safe and loved. The dreams I've had with him were like a progression of a courtship.
It's funny I had this dream now because I just got upset about what he's been joking about my lifestyle being in the automotive media. I almost feel like he thinks of me as a slut of some sort. I didn't like it. And I was so hurt to be joked around as such coming from him. It's like he didn't knew me well enough. I was so disappointed.
I was so sad because I was hoping he'd be the one who'll make Christmas special for me. After seeing friends pairing off and hearing friends gush about their romances, I am left by myself after all that. I am happy for my friends. It's my situation in my love life I'm not happy about. Nana just told me before she and Brian left my house that it's my turn to get a boyfriend. She and Brian just hooked up over a week ago. I felt more lonely hearing that from her. I know that once a close friend finds a partner, you can't hang out together as often as you used to. And it's a hassle to be hanging out with her and the boyfriend because, like your friend's boyfriend or not, you still feel like the third wheel. Because you ARE the third wheel. Sigh...I guess, I'll grow old alone like most of my aunts who dedicated most of their lives in their career. That's one of my greatest fears...
It was ironic because the new progression of our relationship in my dream was that we finally kissed. And it felt so real.
When I was greeted with that dilemma, I got really depressed. All I could say in my prayer before I sleep was, "Lord, all I wanted was to make this Christmas special...please don't make them take my salary away." And I just cried myself to sleep after that.
*********************************************************************************
I dreamed of him that night. It has been a long time since I've had one of those dreams wherein it felt almost real that he's there near me. But I woke up in the middle of the night due to too much stress over the depressing event the day before. I tried going back to sleep in hopes of going back to the same dream. I missed him so much, I didn't wanna wake up anymore. It was the only place I felt safe and loved. The dreams I've had with him were like a progression of a courtship.
It's funny I had this dream now because I just got upset about what he's been joking about my lifestyle being in the automotive media. I almost feel like he thinks of me as a slut of some sort. I didn't like it. And I was so hurt to be joked around as such coming from him. It's like he didn't knew me well enough. I was so disappointed.
I was so sad because I was hoping he'd be the one who'll make Christmas special for me. After seeing friends pairing off and hearing friends gush about their romances, I am left by myself after all that. I am happy for my friends. It's my situation in my love life I'm not happy about. Nana just told me before she and Brian left my house that it's my turn to get a boyfriend. She and Brian just hooked up over a week ago. I felt more lonely hearing that from her. I know that once a close friend finds a partner, you can't hang out together as often as you used to. And it's a hassle to be hanging out with her and the boyfriend because, like your friend's boyfriend or not, you still feel like the third wheel. Because you ARE the third wheel. Sigh...I guess, I'll grow old alone like most of my aunts who dedicated most of their lives in their career. That's one of my greatest fears...
It was ironic because the new progression of our relationship in my dream was that we finally kissed. And it felt so real.
posted by Summer at
7:43 AM
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