Diversion

For a week, I wasn't able to get a good internet access ever since the earthquake in Taiwan happened. I was so frustrated because I wasted my time breaking my 1 week vacation leave just to finish something important at the office only to find out that the internet connection is down. I wasn't able to accomplish anything important. But then, I thought it was a good diversion to go to the office and look for something to keep my mind occupied instead of thinking about him.

I kept telling myself that I shouldn't cry over it but I couldn't control my tears when I woke up on Christmas day realizing that the previous night passed without a call from him. I only cried more when I heard "Dreaming With A Broken Heart" on my cd player as I was dressing up. Damn it! What's John Mayer doing in my cd player??? I thought I took him back in the crypts of my drawer last night? The tears I tried to hide from my friends last night finally spilled in the privacy of my room. I didn't want to appear vulnerable and ruin everyone's Christmas mood. I just gave in to the laughter with choir friends and took advantage of the company of good old friends (Mara and Ian came home from the US for the holidays).

When I was through crying, I got out and I just kept myself busy with entertaining my relatives over Christmas lunch. Only to be greeted by my aunts and ninongs with the same question, "Hija! You're glowing! Do you have a boyfriend already?" Glowing??? GLOWING??? What's the matter with these people??? Can't they tell the difference between heaven from hell??? (Ok, I'm not making any sense...)

I spent most of my holiday break with some choir friends and balik-bayan friends. It was a good diversion from all the stress from work and my troubled heart. I needed a good company of friends to cheer me up. It was a good thing we got together again on New Year's Eve because I was so depressed when I got a cold and distant reply from him and the quarrel with my brother in the afternoon. As usual, I watched the fireworks outside. I remembered the time when he used to call me on New Year's Eve while we watched the fireworks in the sky. Last night, I watched them alone. The cellphone in my hand was quiet. I felt really lonely and missed him terribly. "Why didn't you call him instead?" you wonder. Hellooo! After a cold reply like that??? I might just get irritated and be sarcastic. I didn't want to ruin my New Year's Eve any further. And, I'll be going over Mara's house again for a get-together before she leaves for the airport. This is a welcome diversion and it's not often that I get to spend New Year's Eve with friends.

Earlier that night, I went over to the adoration chapel before Misa de Gallo started and prayed for a good new year ahead for my family and also about this confusing state I am in. I can't even complain because, after all, I'm just a friend. One of the many female friends he is acquainted to. I think it didn't matter if we already have pet names for each other. I think it didn't matter if we did things that close friends do. Maybe I just misread his actions and got the wrong impression. I admit that I've made my own mistakes lots of times that makes me not the perfect person for him. But if anyone will ask me when was the last time I felt trully (and crazy) in love, it was the moments I spent with him and the moments he was constantly present in my life. I just prayed that if it is His will that we drift apart like this and he finds happiness in someone else, then so be it. That's the price that I have to pay if that's the only way to make him happy. I just asked for strength to accept whatever will happen.

I know what you guys are thinking...(waaaaahhhh! martyr!) But, that's what I really think is the rational thing to do.