Cold Christmas
Just a few more hours before I prepare for Simbang Gabi. Though I've been trying to look at the bright side of things to help me still look forward to Christmas, I cannot deny that something is missing in my life. I'm afraid that this year, I won't hear his voice on the phone on Christmas Eve. We've drifted apart all of a sudden. He just called me by my name and not the pet name he usually calls me. It's a sign already, I thought sadly to myself one night as I stared sleeplessly to the dim blank space of my room.
Everytime people would ask me, "Do you have a boyfriend already?", I look back to the scenarios that happened before that moment someone asks me that question. The discussion on money matters with my mom in the car on the way to the grocery store, computing items on my cellphone in the middle of the busy grounds of Tropical Hut Market hoping my bank account could still afford the groceries, troubled thoughts at the back of my head about unfinished work that still has to be settled after Christmas....hmmmm....I wonder WHY???
People would wonder why. Especially, someone special I know.
First of all, I could have a boyfriend if I wanted to eventhough my work demands most of my time and especially since the industry that I move in surrounds me with lots of men. The truth is, I haven't met anyone who can surpass the greatness of this feeling I have from the first boy who ever got me head over heels in love since almost ten years ago. And, he still has my heart in his hands eventhough we don't see each other or communicate as often as before. He doesn't know it though. I am in agony with this confusion of our friendship. Have I understood him wrong with his actions? Or am I right with my heart's intuitions that his dellusionary harsh remarks to me lately is hidden jealousy?
It's almost time for me to get dressed in my best clothes for Christmas Eve mass. This night will pass in numbness in one of the dark corners of my heart. I can feel it. I can only pray that I would cross his mind and angels move his heart to give me a call.
Everytime people would ask me, "Do you have a boyfriend already?", I look back to the scenarios that happened before that moment someone asks me that question. The discussion on money matters with my mom in the car on the way to the grocery store, computing items on my cellphone in the middle of the busy grounds of Tropical Hut Market hoping my bank account could still afford the groceries, troubled thoughts at the back of my head about unfinished work that still has to be settled after Christmas....hmmmm....I wonder WHY???
People would wonder why. Especially, someone special I know.
First of all, I could have a boyfriend if I wanted to eventhough my work demands most of my time and especially since the industry that I move in surrounds me with lots of men. The truth is, I haven't met anyone who can surpass the greatness of this feeling I have from the first boy who ever got me head over heels in love since almost ten years ago. And, he still has my heart in his hands eventhough we don't see each other or communicate as often as before. He doesn't know it though. I am in agony with this confusion of our friendship. Have I understood him wrong with his actions? Or am I right with my heart's intuitions that his dellusionary harsh remarks to me lately is hidden jealousy?
It's almost time for me to get dressed in my best clothes for Christmas Eve mass. This night will pass in numbness in one of the dark corners of my heart. I can feel it. I can only pray that I would cross his mind and angels move his heart to give me a call.
posted by Summer at
4:00 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home