The Spill

Just want to spill out the thoughts running through my head. Can't seem to get some rest this Sunday afternoon.

Six Degrees of Separation...funny how everyone is connected to each other in some way. When I started out in the company I work in, I met some people who knew people that were close to me or I might have passed by in a place. One of my bosses knew a close friend of mine in the village who also does business together. One of our editors knew my late uncle because his father were close friends with my uncle. Another editor of ours used to hang out often at a nearby mexican fast food in our neighborhood because he has relatives living in Piranha-Q. I used to be a regular cutomer of that mexican fast food when it was still starting because my father loved their (then) super-sized burrito. We might have been there at the same time when we were waiting for an order. Another editor is also related to one of my relatives because his wife is the sister of one of my (Legarda side) cousins wife. I met one of our clients a few days ago and I found out that he went to the same school as I did. Later on, I also found out that he was one of my brother's classmate back in grade school. There are other connections to other people that are too many to mention. Just wanted to share the latest discovery that I have found. Small world, indeed! ; )

The weather's kinda weird these days. It's supposed to be the beginning of summer but why is it that the weather seems to be like it's June already? It's supposed to be sunny and humid. Well...except for humid. It's beginning to get humid right now because it looks like it's gonna rain outside.

Darn it! I wanna go to Puerto Galera! How much is it to go there anyway? Oops...which reminds me..I have to call Forest Hills for accommodation inquiries for our choir outing.

I feel like something's missing... or am I just missing someone?

I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes. They say that when you find it hard to sleep, someone's thinking about you. I wonder if that's true...

Love is a complicated thing, isn't it? I know that keeping feelings a secret is hard but if you know that it's the only way to save lives, you have no choice but to save it till the right time comes. If, there will be a right time... Love is mysterious at the same time. Sometimes you can never be sure what it is disguised as. It's hard to read signs and body languages when human itself is a complicated being in love. If given this situation: You are in love with a friend but couldn't tell him/her how you feel because of complicated reasons (ie: your friend has a bf/gf, couldn't commit yet, you have a commitment phobia, or too complicated to explain). Then there's someone knocking at the door of your heart, hoping to have a chance to be with you. What would you do?

The Edge

With so many things going on at the same time, I get overwhelmed with things that need to be done and realities that I have to face. Friends would notice that I'm driving myself to the edge, while inside I feel like what I do is not enough. It scares me sometimes that I could be blindly driving myself over the edge.

I got to talk to a friend from Davao who's coming over on April. We've been talking about plans of going to the beach, ideally in Puerto Galera. When we talked about it again, I just remembered that I can't just go on leave. I don't think that I deserve to go on leave yet. It breaks my heart to turn down a nice beach vacation. I think I got too excited over the thought of going to the beach again. I checked myself over and I realized that I'm being selfish again.

I'm currently taking "a break" during the Holy Week but I couldn't let myself just lay in bed. I planned on catching up with my jogging and unfinished business with church activities. Sometimes I just want to stop and have a good cry but I was taught to stay strong during difficult times. I remember my Papa when he gave me one of his "talks" duirng a difficult time in high school. He said, "Don't cry over it! You will never get through life by just crying! Don't run away from your problems, just think of solutions and take responsibility." I hear his voice reminding me of that day whenever I loose control over my tears.

Whistling Wind

Since I can't publish the lyrics of "Hangin" here yet, due to copyright restrictions (kuno), I've decided to just give you an idea on what the nature or theme of the song is. I think "Balisong" (Rivermaya) is the best song to describe the emotions inside "Hangin" since I don't have time to translate the whole song into english. :P BALISONG Rivermaya Your face lights up the sky on the highway. Someday, you'll share your world with me someday. You mesmerize me with diamond eyes; I try to fool myself to think I'll be alright. But I am losing all control - My mind, my heart, my body and my soul Never in my life have I been more sure, So come on up to me and close the door. Nobody's made me feel this way before; You're everything I wanted and more. To speak or not to; where to begin. The way dilemmas I'm finding myself in. For all I know you only see me as a friend. I try to tell myself wake up fool; this fairy tale's got to end. Never in my life have I been more sure, So come on up to me and close the door. Nobody's made me feel this way before; You're everything I wanted (more)." (Repeat 2x)

And Humpty Dumpty Had A GREAT Fall...

Last Thursday was full of pressure and depressing conversations with clients. With so many things in my mind and so many things to do and lack of rest, I felt really drained at the end of the day. As I walked alone along Ayala Avenue, I was thinking if I should buy a new pair of sandals because the pair I was wearing was killing me. The heels were a bit too high and it wasn't the kind of shoes that is comfortable to wear when going around in meetings. I had worn that pair that day because I only had 1 meeting for that day and the rest of the work is supposed to be done in the office already. But still, it didn't give me any comfort for I was walking all around the office to get things done. Then, I thought about the trouble walking around the mall to look for shoes and just thinking about it makes it more tiring. I decided to just go home to rest and go shopping over the week end. Taking a rest has never been more important to me these days because I have been doing a lot of things lately and it's really important that I reserve energy for work. As I stepped my way down the stairs of the Ayala underpass, my tired feet gave away and my world suddenly turned around. All of a sudden, all I saw was steps.. railing..ceiling..steps..railing..ceiling... My bags were flying around when I rolled down the stairs. I heard the people of Makati shout after me, " AYY!!! YUNG, ALEH!!!!!" AAAAAAGHHH!!! THE BIG PIG!!!! I felt my right arm and my back hit the ground pretty hard. For a moment there, I was scared that I might be bleeding somewhere or that I have a broken bone. All I can manage to say was, "Ohhh...grreeaat...!" I thought to myself, "Well...I think that answered my question...It's time to buy a new pair of sandals!" A kind stranger came up to me and helped me to stand up. As he held my arm to support me, I could feel his hand shake as he tried his best to raise me up to my feet. Oh,boy...that says something about my weight now... Another thought came to me, "Great...I need to lose weight again or else the next time something stupid like this happens, nobody might be willing to carry me!" There were a few people who were kind enough to check if I was ok. I think the others who shouted after me (while I was helplessly rolling like an egg down the stairs) just saw something unusual for the first time in their life and didn't really care. Oh, well... There was a man and two cleaning aids who came to me and looked at me closely if I was ok. "Ok lang po ba kayo? May nabalian ba?" Are you ok? Is something broken? they repeatedly asked me. I instantly grabbed my bag and suddenly remembered that I was wearing a white blouse! The first thing I asked them was, "Madumi ba yung likod ng blouse ko?" I thanked the three strangers and throttled my way to the mall as if nothing happened.

A friend of mine got to text me that night to check if I was home already. I told him that I was just on my way home because I had to pass by the mall first to buy a new pair of sandals and I had a small accident earlier. He reminded me once again that I needed rest so I wouldn't be stressed out too much.

Looking back to the incident, I can't help but laugh at myself. When I came home, I told the story to my older brother and we just laughed like crazy lunatics about it. Then when I was about to take a bath, I looked at my legs... Hmmm..something's not right... my right leg was swollen! My older brother warned me not to take a bath for it might be a fracture. I was like, "Helloo! If I had a fracture then I wouldn't be able to WALK, right?" I took a bath anyway since my mom said that it's ok. My friend advised me to put a cold compress on it so it wouldn't swell too much.

The next day, I got to chat with my close friend on YM and told him about the incident. He asked me if I was ok and I told him that I got a few bruises and I'm having a trouble with my hands because I can't seem to grip as hard as before. I think he asked me if I was ok twice. I've been having trouble writing because I couldn't grip the pen well. He asked me if I had visited a doctor lately, and I said no. He (and other people concerned) advised me to go see one. I told him that I kinda find it funny and he just said, "haha, that's no laughing matter" I explained to him that I didn't want to take this too seriously because at least nothing bad happened. No broken bones, no bleeding. Just bruises and traumatized hands (which I hope will get better). It's a good thing I can still type though. Darn it, as much as I want my hands to get well, I don't wanna see a doctor yet. Let's see if a good week end's rest will cure it. :)

My First Love Song

When our band was still starting, we made an instrumental song out of wit. It sounded more of a sad love song that we named it, Lamentations. I think it was because when I put some vocals to it, my melody mirrored my sadness that time. Several cover songs and new originals later, our guitarist did a new twist with the riff of Lamentations. Thus, the sad song bloomed into a never ending love song. We named it, Hangin. Since I have been practicing my "Filipino" in writing songs, I took it as another challenge to complete another tagalog song. We only have 2 tagalog songs so far. Surprisingly, Hangin is my favorite among the other songs that we have completed because it tells about something really close to my heart.

Hangin..."wind" in english.. It is a very significant word to a situation wherein you experience unrequited love. Metaphorically speaking, that is. A mysterious, secretive, unending love story that you never know when it's gonna end. A love that has been there right in front of you for the longest time but neither of you is sure if the other feels the same way. Like the wind that passes you by once in a while and you know it's always there. It's good when it blows you away with a cool refreshing feeling. When it leaves, you feel deserted, lonely...lifeless... This is the story of my unending love song. Even I don't know what lies ahead towards the ending. In the deepest part of my heart, I still have faith for a happy ending.

What's the story, you ask? Well... let's just leave it a mystery for now...

A Past Revisited

A year ago, I said goodbye to a lot of things. It was like waiting for a guest to enter the door but didn't expect to find two of them to appear. I was revisited by two memories, Cynthia's death and a painful heartbreaking past of someone.

Today was Cynthia's 1st death anniversary. With too much work in our minds and sched books, Nana and I got lost with what day of the year it was. Well, we always do nowadays.. We were called by Tito Larry (Cynthia's father) to come over their house to hear mass and pray for Cynthia. I switched my 3210 to my Globe SIM card to check if anyone texted me in that number. I received a two call back alerts, one from Leah and one from an unknown number. I texted Leah then switched back to my SUN SIM card and called the other number since that number was a SUN number. I thought it would cost me less if I used my SUN since it's free of charge if I call SUN to SUN. I called thinking it might be one of my clients trying to reach me or it might be one of Cynthia's brothers. I just had a client cancel his placement and I couldn't reach him coz my SMART line has been cut off and I wasn't able to get his SUN number. I wanted to get in touch with him to ask for an explanation so I can strangle him. (Just kidding...) When the person finally answered the phone, I asked who it was. The person on the other end couldn't answer right away. Then I said that he called my Globe number. I tried to recall my GLOBE number but my memory suddenly failed me. Still thinking it might be a client, I said my name. The person on the other line was somewhat speechless. I asked again who it was, and he said his name. At first, it didn't register in my mind the familiarity of the name. Then when I asked, "A...?" Then he said his surname like I should've remembered. It was my turn to get speechless. I asked him how he got my number. I think I sounded kinda demanding for an explanation. Then he said that my GLOBE number registered in their caller ID. In my mind, I was like, "What the....?!" How did that happen?! I've been using my SUN often these days. How can that be possible? We both fell silent and I was getting uncomfortable. I just dismissed the call right away telling him that I gotta go. I sat in the conference room with thoughts and memories flooding in my brain. I felt so weird after the phone call. I realized that the pain still stings in my heart. A few minutes later, he sent me a message telling me that he just wanted to know who's number registered in their caller ID and said sorry. I texted back and said that it's no problem and said that I must've dialled their number when I was calling someone else. I told him that it won't happen again. Then it hit me. THAT'S IT! I might've dialled his home number by mistake when I was trying to call my friend Kaye who has digits that are quite similar to his phone number at home. Now I feel weirder about the whole situation... But it makes more sense now. He texted back and told me that it's ok and that there's no problem. He even said 'Good day." I didn't reply anymore. I don't think there's anymore that we could discuss.

Nana and I went to Cynthia's house awhile ago. I thought of how time flew so fast. I remember walking around the mall alone after a job interview. I was feeling a sense of accomplishment that day for the interview went well so I treated myself to a window shopping spree. I suddenly remembered Cynthia and the nagging feeling I felt that weekend to give her a call. I decided to call her when I get home to see how she's doing. I got a text message from a college friend telling me about the sad news. I didn't want to believe the message and thought that it was a really bad joke. Two other classmates were texting the same thing and I still didn't wanna believe them. In my mind I was saying, "It can't be... I haven't seen her yet. I promised something to her..." Ria called me and she also received the same news. Sensing that I was in a state of shock she told me to wait for her at the mall and we'll talk. I walked around the mall like a zombie. I wasn't looking at the windows of the shops anymore. I lost appetite in looking at anything. I just kept on walking and walking... I bumped into some people and I didn't care. I felt numb all of a sudden. Something inside me was telling me that it is true and I had to stop myself from crying because I was in a public place. I looked for a phone booth in a secluded place. I called my mom and I started crying. She thought that something bad has happened to me. I just said, " Mom, Cynthia's gone..."

As soon as I got home, I searched in my closet for Cynch's pictures that I took when we were in college. I placed them on my bed to pick out the best picture. I chose the one where she has this beautiful smile on her face that tells everything about how she lived her life. I felt a pang of guilt and anger at myself for failing to keep the promise that I would visit her and give her a necklace I made for her. I couldn't accept it. I had the picture enlarged and framed to give it to her parents. I remember having fear in my chest and my shaking hands holding the paper bag that contained Cynch's picture in a frame and her necklace as I entered the house of Cynthia. One look at her mom and I just broke down in uncontrollable tears. All I could say was, "I'm sorry...I wasn't able to keep my promise..." in between sobs. I remembered a lot of people who mourned for her. I remember Nana trying her best to control her tears as she read a Bible passage during mass. And for those of you who knew Nana for being the jolly person she is, this is one of the rare times that I've heard her voice crack in sobs and with a sad tone. I never viewed Cynthia's remains inside the coffin. Even during her cremation. I didn't want to carry a memory of her lying lifeless inside a coffin.

Cynthia lived her life full of love for people close to her. She's like an angel to everyone. She's certainly one of the best people I've known in my life and I'll never forget her for that.