The Pain of the Void

The days drag on and I feel like the burdens I carry are getting heavier each day. It's like each day is a step closer to my death. I feel like something's missing in me. I can feel the void within my heart all the more each time I remember and everytime I try to take away my love for him. With all the stress that I'm facing everyday, I wish I could escape to a far away place and clear my mind from all this chaos. A trip to Boracay or a journey alone in Cebu sounds tempting. Maybe if I disappeared for a while maybe I'll be able to erase all the feelings that I had for him. Then when we get to see each other again, then I'll be free of hiding something from him. I'll just be a friend that has no romantic expectations. Purely platonic.

Tragedies and distresses has passed by me lately and many times it could have been my last breath. I am still in wonder what my real purpose is in my life. When I realized that the one thing that kept me believing that my life has to go on because of its purpose was lost to the blackness of all its mystery, I felt that I have approached a dead end. All that was left were those moments wherein I almost thought that he felt the same way too. I was wrong. So wrong...

Sigh...I don't know what to do anymore... I just wish I knew what is on his mind. I keep separating my feelings with being a friend. Sometimes, I don't know where to draw the line in our friendship. It's all confusing...

I wish it was easy to stay away from him but he's one of the best friends I have ever had...

Anyway, this is one song that describes how my emotions are flowing right now...

"Beautiful"
India Arie

The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shining
And I want to live inside the glow
Yeah I wanna go to place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna got to a place time as no consequence oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand that it's not that I don't care
But right know these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,