ER

I went alone at the gym last Tuesday night. I decided to just do cardio work out and skip the muscle toning. I didn't have enough sleep the night before and I don't know why. My day didn't start out well as I expected but I still went on with my life that day smiling to the morning sun though I was carrying my gym bag and some other stuff for my office mate who just recently moved out of her sister's house.

I walked alone on the wet sidewalks of Makati City. The puddles reflecting the lights from the light poles and buildings. It was a few minutes before 10pm and there were only a few people walking around and only a few cars were running by. I kinda felt lonely and I know there's something else in my intuition that's telling me that something's wrong. Ed tried calling me on my cellphone while I was on my way to the underpass but I just missed his call when I was about to answer it. I texted him and asked why he called. He said that he just wanted to say 'hi'. I sighed in relief. But, that weird feeling was still there. I prayed silently that it won't be anything too serious.

Around 11pm, my mom knocked on my door. She asked me to come to my younger brother's room. I went to his room and saw him moaning and twisting in pain due to stomach pains. My mom wanted my opinion if we should bring him to the hospital. I looked at him closely and saw that his eyes were already fading and he's pale. He's trying to say that he wants to be brought to the ER because he can't handle the pain anymore. I remember what he told me earlier that he fainted when they brought him to the clinic that morning. I suddenly found the connection to what I was feeling while I was on my way home. I told my mom that we should bring him to the hospital already.

At the ER, we were waiting for the results from his x-ray. I couldn't handle the environment at the ER that I had to sit outside to get some fresh air. There was a mixture of worry, fear, and nausea. I think I'm about to go insane due to the depression I'm feeling. I texted Nana and told her where I was and what I was feeling. She called me up to calm me down. After a few minutes, I gathered up some strength to go back inside the ER and see how my brother is doing. I went to his bed and saw him feeling weak from the pain. He asked me if there was a result already. I told him that we're still waiting for it.

After a few minutes, there was a commotion outside. There was a man who was asking for help because there had been a car accident that happened across the street. At first, the medics didn't want to deal with it because they said that they have to have a police report first before they could admit the victim at the ER. I thought it was a stupid and heartless excuse. The reason why they have a job is that they're supposed to save lives! Why wait for a police report? They know very well that we have a slow security in this country! It took them a while for them to finally admit the poor blood soaked man in the ER. What's worse was that they placed him beside my brother's bed! Eventhough they shut the curtains between my brother's bed and his, we can still hear his painful sobs. My brother got more depressed and begged me to move him out of the ER. I, Ms. Nausea, forced myself to be strong for my brother eventhough I was already weak in the knees and wanted to faint. When brother calmed down a little and I went to where my mother is and took a seat. Later on, another group came in. Three dark men came in soaked in blood. Behind them, I saw the nurses push an emergency bed in and on it was another man who was bathed in blood. They said that he was hit on the head with a beer bottle. A woman was crying and one of the men was crying too. I couldn't look at the sorry sight for I might just puke. The new patient was placed on the other side of my brother's bed. I went over to my brother to see if he was ok. There was a nurse that was inserting a tube in his nostril and he was choking. I felt my stomach turn and a pain in my chest as I watched my brother choke over a tube. I had a vision of my dad for a moment there. I wanted to cry.

Finally, they moved him to a room. My mom asked me if I wanted to go home so I could get some sleep before I go to work. I told her that I'll just stay behind and help her watch over my brother. I just hope that his condition isn't anything serious...

TOYO GURL

This morning, I planned on wearing my beige draw string pants and a white top since I was in the mood for lighter colors. I walked confidently to the waiting shed at McDonald's to take my ride to work. "It really feels nice to be wearing light shades...", I thought to myself. I looked at the moving line and thought that today is a good day. The line doesn't seem that long and shuttle services are constantly coming in. I wouldn't have to wait that long in line. Plus, I'll get to work just in time.

I was next in line to board the newly arrived van. I thought, "Great! I get to ride shot gun!" A few seconds later, I heard the lady behind me squealed, "AY!" I felt something wet behind my legs... When I looked behind me, there's a kid with his caretaker looking at us with a stunned expression. There's a large bottle of PEPSI that spilled. The lady behind me had her jeans messed up with little splats. Then I looked at my pants...in horror... I looked stonily at the kid and his careless caretaker and they only had this "OOPS..." written all over their faces. My beige draw string pants is no longer beige! It's now brown! It spilled all over the back portion of my pants. And what makes matters worse, it wasn't PEPSI that spilled! It was SOY SAUCE!!! FREEEEEAK!!!

I quickly went to the conductor and told him that I'll be back and in fairness, he let me keep my stub so he could board me first when I come back. I didn't have time to argue anymore with the caretaker of the kid. I didn't want to ruin my day further. I called my mom instead and asked for Inday to send me clothes at McDonald's. I said, "Uh...Ma? Could you send Inday here at McDo? I had a little accident with my pants..." I stood outside McDonald's smelling like sushi which was really embarrassing! I texted Nana saying, "BUWISEEEET!!!!! S**T!!! JUST WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO BOARD THE SHUTTLE, SOMEBODY ACCIDENTALLY SPILLED TOYO (soy sauce) ON MY BEIGE PANTS!!!!! I'M GONNA BE FREAKIN' LATE!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I Love You

I Love You
Sarah McLachlan

i have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road...

we meet at the lights
i stare for a while
the world around us disappears...

just you and me
on this island of hope
a breath between us could be miles...

let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

oh and every time i'm close to you
there's too much i can't say
and you just walk away...

and i forgot
to tell you
i love you...
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you

i grieve in my condition
for i cannot find the strength to say i need you so

oh and every time i'm close to you
there's too much i can't say
and you just walk away...

and i forgot
to tell you
i love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you...

Angel

When all things seem to be falling down like a house of cards... I would sing this song anytime...

Angel
Sarah McLachlan

spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be emptyand weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
in this sweet madness
oh this glorious sadness
that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Feeling Lousy

I'm writing this while I'm freezing inside our little aquarium called the Advertising Department. It's only a few minutes before the clock strikes six. I'm feeling lousy, ugly, and fat. I just ate five cinnamon sticks with matching rich and thick chocolate syrup. And to think that I ignored Nana's whining hunger awhile ago. I tried hard to read what was on my agenda list and all I hear is Nana wailing with her puppy dog eyes saying, "Be-eel!!! I'm hungry!!! Let's eat down stairs!" I was still pretending not to hear her for I've been eating too much. I'm only supposed to eat three times a day. Not ten times! I keep on repeating to myself, "I am not gonna stress eat...I'm not gonna stress eat!!!" She looked over my shoulder to see what I was doing. I was writing notes, jotting down appointments, and going over my list of clients to call. I feel like my life is hanging on a string these days. I only closed one account for the magazine I'm promoting and I'm also feeling desperate. She asked me, "Bel! What are you doing?" I blurted out, "Organizing my life!"

I pondered over my interview a few days ago at one of the biggest advertising companies here in the Philippines. It was a good interview--actually, it went too well from what I had expected. That interview was supposed to be scheduled the week before but I couldn't make it since we had to deliver magazines to Laguna. I called up the HRD person to ask for a re-schedule of the interview because I couldn't do anything about my schedule that week. She told me over the phone about the conditions of going through the training and when it's gonna be. The training starts on Aug. 22. I counted the weeks before that day. She sensed the hesitation on my voice because she knows that it's too soon for me to jump into the opportunity. And, to think that they will only provide allowance for food and transportation. She said that the reason why she's telling me all this is that she wants to know how open I am to the offer. I had to be honest and told her that I am very open to the job offer it's just that I need a competitive salary because I am supporting my family. She said that she still wants to interview me but for exploration on what department she could place me in. I talked to my mom about it because I know that she might not approve of it and my immediate concern right now is to get a better paying job so I can help out more at home. She told me that it was for long term career anywway and told me to go with it. I got so confused because I've been sacrificing my ideal jobs to what ideal salary she wants me to get. I got upset and told her that I've been looking for jobs that would fit her standards because she would always put the pressure on me that I haven't been helping out enough at home. AAAAAAAAAGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! From then on, I told myself that I will follow my own decisions when my instincts and intuition tell me that it is right.

So, I finally went to the interview. The HRD person was really nice to accommodate me even for another interview. After assessing me about the job I do and the history of my working experience, she told me that I was over qualified for the training. I was flattered and at the same time shocked at her comment. She told me that I don't need to go through the training because I already have the foundation and the potentials. If they were to hire me then they would have to place on the position of junior media planner right away. But the thing was they don't have an opening for a junior media planner yet. The opening was only for trainees. Oh, well, I thought. I think it's just not the right time to leave my present job. But I'm still keeping my options open.

Ally McBeal

I stumbled upon a post on Friendster that hits home...

SOMETHING GOOD FROM ALLY MCBEAL T.V. SERIES: Falling In Love Message:
If you see me walking the road with someone else
Its not because i like his company
Its because you're not brave enough to walk beside me.
If you hear me talking about him all the time
Its not because he pleases me
Its because you're too deaf to hear my heartbeat
If you feel me falling with someone new
Its not because i love him
Its because your not there to catch me when i fall
If you feel lost, I too am nowhere
I too don't know where the road is going
Are we gonna cross each other's path
Or just completely turn around?
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound
Don't let me walk with him
It's you I wanna walk with
Don't let me fall for him
It's you I want to fall in love with.

When you thought I wasn't brave enough to walk beside you
I was behind you every step of the way
Still filled with awe because of the beauty that stands before me
When you thought I was too deaf to hear your heartbeat
I didn't want to assume anything
And I was afraid to lose our relationship
When you thought i wasn't there to catch you
It's because you never gave me the chance
You never reached the bottom, you've already grabbed a branch
If you feel like you are nowhere, I too am lost
I too don't know where the road is going
Are we just going to turn around,
Or are we gonna cross each other's path?
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound?
Don't let me walk alone
I want to walk by your side
Don't let me talk of something else
It's you I want to talk with
Don't let me fall with someone else
Its you I want to fall in love with.

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving,
no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that,
or even believe it, but trust me, THERE ARE SOME LOVE THAT DON'T GO AWAY.
And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody
who has a little of that INSANITY. Somebody who never let go.
SOMEBODY WHO CHERISHES YOU FOREVER."