The Ugly Duckling Come Full Circle

It felt almost like committing suicide and murder at the same time.

I never thought that I could do something so drastic and rebellious in my life. I moved out of our house and tried living alone. With all the pressures and problems at home, I couldn't bring myself to learn how to be on my own to grow and concentrate working without worrying about personal issues on the side. I had to do something and make a stand with this. Or else I'll go crazy.

In over the span of two weeks, I was able to say my quick goodbyes to village friends and my brothers. My mom wouldn't want to talk to me when I told her that I have found a place to live. There were a lot of misconceptions on that part that made me move out a lot quicker. I left her a long letter expressing everything I felt all these years before I boarded a taxi bearing the rest of my stuff. She didn't know I left already. She thought I was just sleeping in my room. It was a shock to her to find my room empty of me.

I was over confident that I could survive because I had money. "This will be easy." I thought. Having enough money to help out at home and having money to be able to support myself. Perfect. I'm RICH. I can do whatever I want, now that I have money. But, I later learned the bitter truth that it's not that simple.

Who would've thought that a week could flood you with a lot of other realizations that you've never thought would be possible. I keep telling myself that maybe my homesickness and loneliness has an influence over my judgement. "Be strong. You can do this." I keep telling myself over and over each time I spend lonely nights curled up reading a book to quiet the voices inside my head that something is wrong about this. "Think about the future. Think about the future." I keep visualizing reaching that goal of living in a really big house all on my own. But then I thought, would I enjoy it with my loved ones with me? I thought that maybe this is the way to make things work. I wanted to change the course of the family history. Later on, I only realized that I am only heading to the same path and this path I chose will have a great influence to that doomed future. A broken and messed up family. Is this the right way and the right time to move on to grow? Will I be proud of myself when I bring new souls into this world only to show that I left a really dark past behind without ever trying to fix it? That wouldn't be a good example to pass on to my would-be children - because that was exactly what happened to my father's family which left them obliterate.

Valued relationships restrained, a lot of mess was left, and unfinished business that I have neglected. This was also accompanied by an even low performance at work that made me all the more depressed. I can picture the ghost of my father disapproving of my actions. I know I have betrayed a lot of people I cared about with my vanity, carelessness, and pride. For the first time, I saw the monster that I have become. "This isn't me." I thought. Is this the person i wanted to become? I felt disgusted with myself. I was a mess. And, totally lost.

In my little "apartment" room, I was left with my thoughts. "It's time to listen to your heart, Mabel...No more questions of what people would think and your pride is no longer important...this is your family that you're risking." the voice inside me whispered. It's probably what my father would have told me if he were alive and talking some sense out of me right now. I left the next morning to pay a visit at home. When I saw that I was right about the mess that I left and a friend who honestly told me what he thought that brought some sense out of me, I decided to move back home. I honestly didn't know how to explain myself to people who knew I moved out. But, then again, how could you expect everyone to understand? There was one who was utterly disappointed that somehow brought hate in her for me, but I can't blame her for reacting that way because she's the last person who would understand the depths of the thoughts that move my world.

In those two weeks of my messed up phase, I learned to see who my true friends are. Friends who would accept you for all your flaws and mistakes and who's there for you when you didn't have anyone to turn to. And for this phase I've gone through, I am deeply in debt for all the kindness and care they have given me.