Goodbye My Almost Lover

I wish things were different. I wish I've never met him and fell for his charms 11 years ago. If I hadn't then I wouldn't be foolish as to feel so messed up inside my heart. But, maybe it was the only way that I could avoid the wrong guys that came my way. Yet, I should've known that this will all end in such a heartbreak.

Now that I have taken baby steps to moving on, I just hope that not looking back would be the right thing to do. I just hope that letting go won't leave me lost in the vast space of emptiness. I know I won't find someone else as quickly as my other friends who have moved on from their broken relationships. I was never the type who throws herself to the next guy who shows interest. I was never the type who insists herself on someone. I am not ashamed that I still believe in the old fashion sense of a magical romance. I just hope that this time around it would be something real and mutually sure.

My friends would always tell me to date someone else already. I was too stubbornly in love to take their advice to this 11 years of going around in circles with him. I would gladly take their advice now. Yet, I am also cautious about falling in love this time around. I am still hoping that someday I would see the day when a second chance at love is possible.

A Confusing Romance, Car Rides, and Two Bottles of Vodka

Just a few months ago, I wished I had someone for a boyfriend and finally taking the courage to be in a relationship again. A few months later, a lot of things changed and once again, I have in my hand a reason for staying single. I'm torn in all sorts of emotions inside my chest that makes me wish that things were less complicated.

I ALMOST kissed my close guy friend, YET I find myself falling for another guy (who's also a friend), BUT I fooled around with a guy at a party. How complicated is that? The scenarios are too overwhelming to grasp. The latter hasn't sink in to me yet.

"I ALMOST kissed my close guy friend..." (Boy1)

We got into flirting again. It was always like that. I can't tell anymore if the feelings are real for both of us or I'm just fooling myself as always. It confuses me everytime he would come around and be all sweet but nothing. But his inconsistency with his presence has loosened my grasp to my faith in this 11 years of confusing romance.

"...YET I find myself falling for another guy (who's also a friend)..." (Boy2)

It almost seemed like we couldn't possibly end up being best buddies in a small organization wherein we're surrounded by people in different statures, get along, but still be conscious of heirarchy. It was like he was Prince Charming and I was Cinderella. He is connected by blood to some of the people in the high society pages. I maybe a distant relative of a senator but historically, our family was never an establishment in the who's who in the creme de la creme. So, technically, I'm just a modern-day Cinderella who hasn't filled a glass slipper.

I must admit, I was reluctant to approach him during the first year I got to know him. He seemed like this guy in our village who I used to have a big crush on when I was young. Mestizo, poker faced but handsome, dark-eyed, and aloof. But when I tried to approach him for help, he just quietly got up from his seat and carried some of my stuff like a quiet bear who didn't mind to use his strength to help a small nobody like me. That was the start of a new found friendship and a series of memorable car rides with him.

There were a lot of moments that he did some things that tugged some strings in my heart. They were moments that were cute and sweet at the same time. But, I was too deep in love with Boy1 to even feel something romantic towards him. And, besides, he had a girlfriend that time.

A lot of people have been telling me that we "look" good together. At the first year, it was something absurd to hear. He was more like a brother or a cousin. His deep voice and humor reminded me of my eldest cousin, Louie. The next year, I still couldn't fathom the idea. After some heart breaking confusions with the first guy and spending more crazy car rides and deep stares with him, I find myself thinking about him more than I should. And with more people getting suspicious of our friendship, I also find myself getting uncomfortable and awkward. Maybe I've learned from the couples I've known who got pressured by their peers to be together but ended up splitting because the foundation of their commitment wasn't really based on true romance. I wouldn't want that for us.

Funny how people could see something between us. They say we have some chemistry. But, chemistry is prevalent in all friendships. So, what's the difference? How I wish I could also see what they have seen. I can only feel what he has done to my heart.

I guess I was right about having some unfinished business when I went back to the company where we first met. One of them was discovering love again. I was really sad when I left the company again. The first thing that dreaded me when I was in the middle of deciding the big move was that I won't see him everyday anymore. But, I had to do what I had to do for my family. I was still denying what I felt. I just hated the fact that I'm gonna miss him a lot.

The only time I realized that I have really fallen was when he came to a party and we looked deep into each others' eyes like we always do whenever we talk. I also realized how much I missed how he looked at me like he can already see deep into me like he knew a secret about me.

"...BUT I fooled around with a guy at a party." (Boy3)

I've known this guy for some time already. Seen him around when we were growing up but only got acquainted when we were older because we would always bump into each other during events and media parties. Just lately, he would try and get his luck at asking me out. But, I would always gently turn him down.

I was at a party the other week and I couldn't wait to see Boy 2 again after a month of not seeing him because I moved on to another company. Boy 3 was also there to my surprise. I didn't know he was also invited to be in the party.

Since Boy 2 seem to be picking up some girl after the party (which broke my heart, thanks to the moron he came with), I didn't ask him anymore for a ride home. I was hoping that he would give me a ride home. I missed having car rides with him. Instead, I took Boy3's invitation to bring me home. We ended up having that drink which was turned down several times. Both of us got drunk. And got into a little fooling around. When he was making a move, the first thing that popped into my head as I was staring out the window overlooking the city lights was, "I wish I had gone home with Boy 2..." Which was what kept me from going all the way with Boy3. Nothing really serious happened which I am thankful for. When Boy3 and I were talking about what just came over us during that murky moment, he must've thought that it really hasn't sink in for I was still drunk. But, the truth is all I could think of was still "I wish I had gone home with Boy2."

He's Different From The Other Guys

I've always been considered as "one of the boys". Mainly because I have a lot of guy friends. At work, I get along easier with the boys. I have as many close guy friends as I have close girl friends. I kinda learned a lot about them guys whenever I hang out with them. One thing I noticed about them is that they have grown too comfortable being guys when I'm with them. Things like burping loudly, checking out girls and saying what they think, and running to me for help with their dirty laundry. Dirty laundry meaning getting a girl pregnant, cheating on their girlfriends, getting out of a psychotic relationship, or simply doing something really stupid.



What is interesting about hanging out with guys is that you begin to learn about their behaviour towards women. And in return, I learn about what kind of guy should I be with or watching out for. Let's face it, we're not perfect. We're only human. We ALL make mistakes. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. Observing my guy friends, they do still have that sense of being a gentleman. Little things like, holding the door for you or complimenting you. Also, you begin to learn a sense of brotherhood with them. That's what everyone would call and unbelievingly think as the "platonic" friendship. No romantic feelings. Though physical attraction is a possibility, later on there are some qualities in the personalities that could clash which you will learn as you get to know the opposite sex better. Romance is something deeper and spiritual that it doesn't happen all the time.



The longer I get to know more about my guy friends, the more I learn to differentiate who are just being friends and who is acting a little bit different. Of all the guy friends that I've known, only one is different in his actions. Only one treats me differently. There's only one guy who I have friendship that is surrounded by a deeper mystery. It really confuses me so much because if we're just friends, why isn't he like my other guyfriends who treats me like I was one of their buddies? Why does he have a pet name for me? Why does his hand linger in mine or hug me like there's no tomorrow?

Cycle

It has always been a cycle. Finding each other, getting together, exchanging sweet nothings, then we drift apart again. The next time this cycle happened, I was more prepared of what is to come later on. I try not to hold on too tight to the sweetest memories that it brings. I already know that it would not bring any promise in the end. The hugs and the holding of hands doesn't mean anything. We're just friends. It doesn't matter if we do some things that sweethearts do. It can never happen between us because I've been all alone in this feeling and I am fully awake from the dreamy walks upon the rose tinted window where I fell and died in my own illusions. If only he knew how many guys I've turned down. I tried being with another, opened myself up to liking other guys, but I only end up longing for only him.

If I was wrong about what my heart has been telling me a long time ago, why do I still feel like I belonged in his arms whenever he hugs me? Why do I feel like I'll be holding his hand forever till we grow old everytime he would reach out to take mine? Why do I still feel like I belong to him and only him?

The holidays are over. We're back to facing the outside world where we both don't co-exist. I'm slowly losing him again. It would take several months again before he looks for me again. Maybe even years. I really wouldn't know what it is he wants from me. If he doesn't feel the same way, why does he keep coming back doing the same things all over again and then leave me behind?

What I only know is that time will tell what our real destiny is.

I am finally moving on

This Whatever
Purplephoenix


The lonely road to moving on
I learned a lot about me and love
In the ten years I gave to you
I am finally letting go, seriously

Know that I tried to hold on
Know that I have loved too much but myself
That's why I am doing this
It's about time I did

So, I'm saying goodbye
Coz I've exhausted the very last
Drop of my weary heart's blood
In leaving this whatever behind
In a good note but won't let it in again

What this "whatever" is
In reality is just a convenience for you
To find a space in between
A second choice, a back-burner, a mean-time companion
Closing my eyes and try to believe
That you really mean well

I have finally faced the truth
And it came like a hard slap
You'll never see me more than just a friend
Or did you even consider that when you
Complicated things with every sweet nothing?

Maybe...

This is maybe the perfect song that would describe what I would like to say to him at this point in time of our so-called platonic(?) friendship. I do realize the fact that I might be somewhat a cause of this drift. My life is more complicated compared to his. I don't really expect him to carry this burden with me. All I want and need is his constant presence. Just him being there makes the whole world seem a better place.

I was never the girl who would ask for too much. I was never the type who would demand to be treated like a princess. Maybe it's because I wasn't treated well by all the guys I knew. Well, except for my father. But, I lost him when I was just about to be exposed to the meet-and-greet guys part of my life and dating. But, whenever I was with him, he gave so much and he treated me like a princess. He was the very first guy who ever treated me like a lady.

Now that we're both older, a lot of experiences have shaped us into what we are today. There are times when we drift apart and times when we're not on the same page in our lives. I maybe left behind on some things sometimes and he would be ahead and sometimes he would be the one who's left behind and I would be the one ahead.

Looking back to how he was the past couple of years, I missed how he would make me float whenever he would be peculiar and sweet. I just don't know what happened to him. Sometimes I want to open up what I am feeling right now but I know it will just make things more confusing between us. Maybe it's not the right time to say these things.

The last time we ever had a long chat was in Yahoo! Messenger at around 4am last Saturday. We made plans on going back-packing next year. Maybe then we could really catch up on things. There are a lot of things we never really talked about. I hope that this will be a time for us to start anew with our friendship. Platonic or romatic. All I want is to spend time with him.


MAYBE
Kelly Clarkson

I'm strong
But I break
I'm stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard
And life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

Someday
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
And I promise I'll try
Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

One day
We'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely
Every little bit
Oh yeah maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then

I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

I should know better than to touch the fire twice
But I'm thinking maybe, yeah maybe you might

Maybe, love maybe

Sober

I had this strangest feeling that I would bump into him that night. I pushed the thought aside but I still opened my cellphone and there it was - our picture four months ago. I've saved it as a wallpaper despite the fact that I'm supposed to be doing my best at living my life in a different direction. The memories just wouldn't stop giving me flash backs in my head. I admit that deep down, I still miss him. I miss the old friend who used to frequently update on me. The old friend who used to look for me now and then even if it was twice or thrice a month. Now, I can only feel this void in my life where he used to be. The old friend who used to tell me how much he missed me while he gathers me in a tight hug. Even if he only sees me as a close friend, I can only content myself because what was important was his constant presence in my life.

I know that I may not be the one to make him happy. I always told myself that if letting him go is the only way that I could make him happy, I would sacrifice just to make that happen. If only he knows everything that's been going on within me. I have been yearning for his hugs. But I have to be brave and learn to be whole on my own.

I locked the keys on my cellphone and turned my attention to the traffic ahead. I tried to divert my thoughts to my work and my goal of losing weight. The goal of losing weight is to stealth myself from him. If I can't move to another country, then I would have to make myself unrecognizable.

We saw each other at the drop off near our village. I felt my knees go weak. A clear sign of what I still feel in my heart. I tried to compose myself. He caught me in a half hug. Something that made me a little sad. It was like it was also half-hearted. When he got my gym bag, it was something that was so natural between us. We walked together to the tricycle station but I still feel like he's so far away. We sat sardined in the cabby but it felt like he's not there. I wanted to ask him if there's anyone special in his life right now, but I was too much of a coward to go there. But the absence in his eyes, I can only tell that maybe...there is someone else in his mind. I never really knew what goes on his head. He's always capable of sending mixed signals that only leads me nowhere.

I can only hope that whatever's going on with him, that he wouldn't forget about our times together.