Lost and Confused

"You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better....One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic."

I had another one of those life talks with a close friend of mine a few nights ago. We talked about marriage. He asked me if I was in a hurry to get married. I told him I'm not. He asked me why and I told him that I want to make sure that I marry the right guy. I don't want to get married just because my biological clock is ticking. I don't want to get married to just any guy because it means that I'll be getting into marriage for the wrong reasons and with the wrong guy. And, besides, I'm not financially stable yet. In this time and age, I have to establish myself first so that when I bring another life in this world, that little life will be secured of a good home.

My older brother ("Kuya") has been bugging me about a close guy friend of mine whom he thinks I have something going on with. He keeps on assuming that I'm in a relationship with him but the truth is, we're more like bestfriends now. He's been observing us and he said that my friend is just waiting for the right time to confess his feelings for me. He keeps on telling me to warm up to him because I seem stiff and too guarded. I keep on avoiding his prying remarks because the more that I'm reminded of it the more I get confused with my feelings. I didn't want to say it out loud or assume anything because, even I don't know when the right time is to let him know how I feel for him. There are times when we're cold and there are times when we're so eager to spend time together. I had a feeling that we're both stressed out at work that's why we don't talk and see each other too much sometimes. I'm not even sure if he feels the same way. My brother said that he understands that I went through a tough time with my first boyfriend but he thinks that my guy friend is the right one for me. I told him that what's keeping me guarded is that I know that my guy friend is still dreaming of another girl that he wants to end up with in the future. The truth is, the day he said that, it really broke my heart into small pieces and I had to hide the hurt in my eyes as best as I could to the point of fighting the sting of a tear. All I could say is that, "You know what, I felt the same way for a guy once. But, now, I'm not so sure..."

I started to feel lost and confused that time. I started dating someone who had a resemblance of his face, but later on, things didn't work out because his personality was a total opposite of my friend. I woke up and smelled the strong coffee. I never felt so low. I realized that I'm beginning to look pathetic in my love life. Thus, I made up my mind to continue with my life and developed a stronger guard against jerks. I was on a man hunt for someone who would treat me right. But, of all the guys I've met and I've come to know, he's the only one who treated me in a special way. It felt different to be treated like a princess by him. I felt so safe and cared for...even loved.

I didn't want to assume that the good things he does is something that has a special meaning. I didn't want to get hurt again in the end. I may be wrong again with how I read his words and actions. I only think of it as what he usually does as a friend because maybe he's like that to the other gal pals that he has on his Friendster list. I might just be "one of the girls". Sometimes, he would do things that just drives me crazy wanting to scream at him these words, "Will you just tell me what you feel about me?!" If I appeared stiff or cold, it's because I, too, am not sure about what he feels sometimes. He gives mixed signals that makes me insecure of what he really feels.

But, if my intuition's right about him, then, maybe, just maybe, things will fall into place someday...